~Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Love-ectomy

This is the dawning of personal belonging...
This is the eve of “I don’t believe”

This is me; I love myself
Yeah, fuck everyone else
I don’t need nobody’s help
‘Cause this is Love 2012
--3Oh!3, "Love 2012"

I think I'm done. Dating for now, that is.

In hindsight, this date and this date affected me more than I'm willing to admit. The Dating Man has me down. I'm disheartened. I'm jaded. I find myself approaching new matches and new dates from a place of fear instead of a place of hope. When someone initiates contact with me, I squirm, close one eye at the screen and peer through my fingers as I wait for the picture to load. Please let him not have a facial tattoo/man purse/front butt. Please let him not be creepy/live in his big rig.

My heart has become fickle. My missile-seeking baggage radar is on alert. My guard is up.

The last guy I was communicating with initiated a phone call instead of just meeting. I've since learned to just sit in silence and let guy do all the talking and, in the process, disclose his baggage. He told me he moved from Florida "to get away from a bad situation." Mmm hmm. Without prodding, he told me his lung spontaneously collapsed because he smoked too much weed and cigarettes. (The cigarettes were easy to give up; the weed was not.)

I remained silent on the other end of the line. "Oh! Uh huh."

After his 3-week hospital stay, he then gained 30 pounds (from not smoking pot) and not exercising (because of the self-inflicted lung problem) and I'm hearing all of this on the phone before I even meet the kid.

And look, I know my past isn't a basket of glittery kittens, but at least I know to ease into the ugly. If someone says, "Tell me about your past relationships," I'll respond with "I've had past relationships, but I'm here with you now." What I won't say is I lived with an alcoholic who pawned my shit, took a shit in my car and treated me like shit when he was drunk, which was all the time. When I was in therapy, my therapist told me there is such a thing as being too honest. Ease them into that kind of ugly. I never spoke a word of it to Valdosta.

If this blog were a movie, the scene would look like this: I'd be standing by a large round table, still as stone. Hands shoved in my jeans' pocket; pink Converse shoe rolled to the outside of my stance. Behind me people would be passing me in fast-forward speed. Everyone is bustling and I'm stuck.

I'm surrounded by people, yet I'm lonely. I see Jenna and Schmoozer each up to three times a week. I've received a very concerned e-mail from Government Mule that's gone unanswered. It's like the more people I'm around, the more amplified the loneliness becomes.

The only thing I can think of to rectify the situation is to perform an -ectomy on what's causing my unhappiness. And that's dating. Getting dressed up and feeling hopeful and putting myself out there time and time again is, in fact, not bringing me closer to love. It's depleting my resources. It's depleting my tolerance, my spirit and the things about me that I love.

So the thing I've decided to do is to perform a love-ectomy and instead love me. If you thought this blog was naval-gazing drivel before, you just wait. It's about to get uncomfortable up in here.

17 comments:

MissM said...

Hahahahahahahaah Novel Gazing Drivel. It's your new band name. EMBRACE IT.

Love it. Love YOU.

La Femme said...

Great, now I want a box of glittery kittens!

j said...

I have one date arranged for this weekend. I am trying to be optimistic but it is damn tough. If this date does not go well I too will be performing a love-ectomy.

Kate said...

I took a self-imposed break from dating several years ago. I was single for about 18 months, and it was really wonderful. I had come out of a difficult relationship that just shattered me (my boyfriend left me for my best friend, effectively ending my relationship with the guy and my friendship with the girl), and I just.needed.a.break. It was a terrific opportunity to heal, and I learned so much about myself and what I wanted in a relationship (I actually developed standards!!).

That was 5 years ago, and I am now married to a wonderful man I never would have met/dated had I not taken that time to figure some stuff out. I still maintain that taking a dating break was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Good luck - this could be really great for you!

Me said...

Dudette. For real. Know the feeling. I wish I could tell you to take a break. Take a trip. Just get out...and then just cruise when you get back. Just do work and friends and let all this dating crap go. Who know what would happen.

Bathwater said...

I think that is a good idea, you can't force these things, let it flow. Dating should NOT be causing you pain.

You know what, someone added me to there favorites list on POF and I've started emailing her. I almost contacted you for advise.

Who knows, who knows.

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

Dude, we're on the same path. Too bad we don't live in the same hood.

Tracy said...

I think you are doing the right thing. Concentrating on yourself and having fun is the most important thing. And who knows? Maybe that's when something (or someone!) really great will happen.

V said...

Will we ever have hope again?

freckledk said...

You definitely need a break, at least from the online dating crapshoot. Keep up with your running, your friends, your happy hours. It's okay, if not fantastic and healthy, to be decidedly single for awhile. Enjoy the YOU time.

bonda84 said...

Sometimes it's a good thing to just take a step back and just be. And yes, I too now want a box of glittery kittens!

J said...

Now I am tempted to quit eHarmony! Really nicely written post.

Maura said...

Sweet Jesus, if you quit dating (at least online) and then find your love, I'm going to have to believe in that dreadful saying, "It happens when you're not looking."

But if it finds you yo man, I'll take it. And then I'll just have to admit I'm wrong and follow suit.

Kate said...

Maura, I don't really believe that "it happens when you're not looking" saying. Sure, you can happen upon something good when you're not expecting it, or when you're not actively looking, but you have to be open to it in the first place for it to happen. If you're really not looking, if you really turn inward, I don't think it happens.

But I suppose "being open to it" means something different for everyone. :)

Anonymous said...

Good for you! Take a break for a while. You have good friends and people that adore you. Enjoy your life. I think if you just focus on yourself, and have fun, good things will come to you. Hugs.

Brianne said...

dating is overrated. i wish i could learn to love it, but i dread it.

Ariel said...

Regarding navel-gazing, no apologies required - the workings of the human mind are fascinating and delving into someone else's head can often help us understand ourselves better...

 

© 2005 - 2013 He Loves Me Not
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

template by suckmylolly.com