~Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

If it was me, I would want someone to come up to me and ask how I was doing after I got dumped. In the end, that's not what I chose though. I chose to not speak unless spoken to.

And no one ever spoke about it.

After being at the beach house a few days, I approached Harvey when we were both alone:

"Has Katie said anything?"

Harvey paused, thinking about how much she wanted to reveal to me. I noticed. I saw the gears spinning behind her eyes and I was horrified. Harvey, my good friend for the last 9 years, debated whether to trust me or not. It hurt.

"She told me on the ride up," she finally said.

Through Harvey, I heard Katie's version. She decided the relationship was over as soon as Schmoozer left the Mexican restaurant to get coffee with me. She said after that incident, she purposely didn't contact him for a week to gauge how Schmoozer would react (this matches his version; he told me at the bar that he hadn't spoken to her in a week.) She said she always knew the relationship was one that would not progress very far. And then she gave her blessing for me to date him if I really liked him.

What?

Harvey continued. Harvey said that the people out at the Mexican restaurant that night thought Schmoozer and I were together because we arrived late, talked about running and left at the same time.

I became irritated. I internalized all of that drama. I didn't call Harvey crying after Government Mule and I had it out. I kept it separate from the group and called my mommy. Katie and Government Mule and Jenna and now Harvey—it is starting to feel like a witch hunt.

I felt myself explaining myself to Harvey as I did to Government Mule and Katie. I ran five miles for the very first time in the history of the world and I was tired. And they were drunk. And loud. It was an impromptu moment in which I said yes to coffee on a Friday Night. Big fugging deal.

Let me now remind the room that when Katie and Schmoozer started dating, I went to her and told her I didn't feel comfortable talking to Schmoozer anymore because they were now dating, and Katie comforted me and expressly stated that I was friends with him first and it would be okay to maintain that friendship.

I'm irritated and I'm hurt. I'm irritated that coffee became the Great Coffee Fiasco of 2011. I'm also hurt because of the group, no one came to my defense. No one thought enough of me that I wouldn't steal Katie's only boyfriend of the last five years. I wouldn't do that to her.

Schmoozer expressed interest in her—refering to her as "the pretty one"—when he and I went out on the not-a-date. And if Schmoozer ever did make a move—not that I expect him to—I would never forget that. Katie was the pretty one. Katie was the girl he chose. I would be the second choice, and my self-esteem isn't high enough where I would ever be okay with that.

Truth is Schmoozer and I are like peas and carrots: we just get along really well together. We have similar personalities and similar perspectives. We have the same dating style. We have similar financials. We both venture out of our comfort zones; that's how we found each other. We are highly compatible.

"Schmoozer," Harvey spat. "I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. I don't know where he came from; he joined our group out of nowhere. I've never met his friends. His roommates are a weird couple that doesn't have any friends. He changes major cities every three to four years. I don't trust him."

Harvey was angry and clearly siding with her friend. Her friend Katie.

"Do you still go running with him?" she asked.

I chose not to mention the happy hours and the nights at the bar and the parties we've been to in addition to running. I chose to not mention that I've met Schmoozer's other friends, as had Mel. Facebook would display that I'm now friends with them as well.

"Uh, I randomly went running last week and he was at the trail as well," I admitted.

Harvey said nothing.

And neither did Katie. Besides Harvey, Katie hadn't told anyone else about the breakup.

21 comments:

treacle said...

I'm not quite sure yet what I want to say. In addition to the, take care of yourself. I'll be back. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I think you know now who your real friends are and it went exactly as expected - that they jumped to conclusions. I'm sorry for you - heck of a way to start a vacation. This is Lanie, btw.

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

People like to gossip, don't poison yourself with it as well. Take the higher road, you didn't hit on him, you guys have not done anything physical with each other. There is nothing to hide. If people want to talk, then let them and you'll see who your real friends are.

Bathwater said...

I'm not surprised people will let you down. However logically if you had wanted Kickball Guy in the beginning you would not have given him up to Katie so easy. Do people forget that?

breezyallatsea said...

Yikes. It sucks when people who you think are your friends let you down. I hope the rest of the weekend was somewhat fun?

Anonymous said...

Um, not to sound like a smart ass, but aren't you looking for a relationship with someone you are "highly compatible with," who shares your common interests, is on an equal financial footing & who likes spending time with you? Sounds like the beginning of a wonderful, stable, non-Sarah-destroying relationship to me. You can't honestly expect us to believe that a relationship with Schmoozer never crossed your mind. Why are you surprised that it crossed your friends' minds? Looks like Katie was Schmoozer's f-buddy, but YOU are the one he enjoys spending time with. And for what it's worth now, of course Katie gave her "blessing" for you two to hang out. Refusing would've made her look jealous & possessive, which would've been a huge turn off to Schmoozer. You would've been better served to back off & stay away from Schmoozer until the relationship had run its course. You'd have been in the clear with Katie & still have the trust of your friends today. It will take some work to rebuild that trust despite the fact that you did nothing "wrong."

Cebene
GA

J said...

Katie reminds me of a friend of mine. She will rarely admit that she wants something she is not sure she will get. If a guy disappoints her, she will play it off as if she was not interested anyway. She doesn't let herself appear vulnerable even to her closest friends. The point being: I don't blame you for not saying anything to Katie about the break-up. How could anyone, when she won't let you in?

You did nothing wrong throughout any of this, and it sucks that your friends didn't give you the benefit of the doubt. They should have. That's what good friends do.

Syd said...

Classy of your friends to talk about you behind your back on the way up to YOUR vacation house. You deserve a lot better than that from them.

Re: schmoozer. If you did want to date him, don't let the Katie thing rule him out. I don't know if he ever really chose - I wonder if Katie was more available? You on the dating scene back then, right? Maybe he thought you weren't really into him at that time. Which you may not be now, of course..but if you do like him, don't rule him out entirely. See how things play out. He seems like a good friend to you right now, too. Which is always a nice foundation to a relationship.

MissLizSarab said...

Hmm, not sure i like that Katie talked to Harvey and essentially blamed you for 'her' decision to break up with schmoozer. i get that Katie needs someone to blame and you're the target but she's still meant to be your friend.

Having said that at least you know what they really think of you x

Anonymous said...

I don't see where the witch hunt came in, or where they let you down. You asked Harvey, and she told you how Katie felt. It didn't sound like you were attacked or blamed.
As to your friends not trusting you, it's hard to feel for you there when you're hiding things from them. Maybe they're picking up on that and that's where the lack of trust is coming in. You can say "choosing not to tell" but calling a spade a spade, you're hiding it, which looks bad.
I also agree with the comment that you can't expect us to believe that you haven't thought about a relationship with him. If it looks like you really like the guy and want him to blog readers, I'm sure it comes across that way to people who have known you for so long, whether you verbalize it or not.
This is not an attack. I've been following as long as you've been putting stuff out there, and genuinely wish well for you in all things. Because of that, I comment what I honestly think.

Anonymous said...

I don't see where the witch hunt came in, or where they let you down. You asked Harvey, and she told you how Katie felt. It didn't sound like you were attacked or blamed.
As to your friends not trusting you, it's hard to feel for you there when you're hiding things from them. Maybe they're picking up on that and that's where the lack of trust is coming in. You can say "choosing not to tell" but calling a spade a spade, you're hiding it, which looks bad.
I also agree with the comment that you can't expect us to believe that you haven't thought about a relationship with him. If it looks like you really like the guy and want him to blog readers, I'm sure it comes across that way to people who have known you for so long, whether you verbalize it or not.
This is not an attack. I've been following as long as you've been putting stuff out there, and genuinely wish well for you in all things. Because of that, I comment what I honestly think.

heisschic said...

the "gears turning" you saw may not have been a trust thing, but a 'how do I phrase this so I don't hurt anyone' thing. Katie may not think the best of you right now (through no fault of your own) because she needs someone to blame. so how to re-phrase a conversation so that you get the gist without being gut-socked... wouldn't be easy.

Anonymous said...

As to your friends not trusting you, it's hard to feel for you there when you're hiding things from them.

I have to agree. You wanted Harvey to be honest with you, but you sat there and purposely didn't tell her things, knowing that they're out there on Facebook. Well, how do you think SHE'S going to feel seeing that?

I think you chose Schmoozer's friendship over Katie's. I think they all know that. And that it's going to take some time to get beyond all that.

Hopefully you can. (And they can, too.)

Sarah said...

I think these are all good points.

Re: Harvey, the only thing I can say is that I didn't hide things from her until after I saw her hesitate in telling me, for whatever reason she may have in doing so. My decision was more reactionary.

dcjaime said...

Ugh, I'm sorry, it's really disappointing when people don't show the faith in you that you deserve. You've done nothing wrong here.

Also? Nothing wrong with you being friends with him. You were friends with him before any of this.

Finally, I disagree with the idea that you chose a friendship with Schmoozer over Katie. As noted before, you were friends with him before he got involved with Katie. Are you supposed to ditch him because they didn't work out?

Honestly, it seems like you have more in common with him and perhaps even a stronger friendship than you do with Katie. I could be wrong, but that's just what I see here.

j said...

This is a difficult situation. I see Harvey and Katie's side but I am not sure I agree. As you said, Katie gave you the ok to continue your friendship with him. If she is a real friend she should trust that you would never sabotage her relationship. I was also annoyed with Harvey's statement of not trusting Schmoozer. I think her statement was just an attack and uncalled for.

Seine said...

How do you really feel about Schmoozer? Would you give him a chance if he said he wanted to pursue something?

preciousandpriceless said...

drama, drama, drama

too much drama.

be confident in yourself and just breathe and stand your ground.

you've done nothing wrong. you are living your life.

Unfortunately, Katie is hurting and unfortunately you are the scapegoat...which is unfair and childish. Another unfortunate thing that might result from this event is that this animosity of sorts may take awhile to heal. All you can do is keep running and living your life.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion of Schmoozer but Harvey et al should not influence your decision on whom your friends with. Maybe he once again becomes a friend in the periphery.

Time will help work this out. But theoretically your friends should not take a side. Theoretically.

Lainey said...

Wow. Why are you so SURPRISED? This is so high school. You're a bit of tramp and when you act like one you're all surprised when people TREAT you like one. I say that in an honest way. Not to judge. It's just what I see. And no, I don't mean being an actual whore and sleeping with everyone as in all-the-way sex but your attitude and choices and rationale etc., is ALL tramp. It's THE OPTICS of the situations that get you into to trouble Sarah and you have absolutely NO CAPACITY to judge when entering a situation that is going to come back and bite you in the ass! You can't see it cuz you have very little insight and much growing up to do. We teach people how to treat us. As far as these so-called "friends" of yours, honey, when you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas!

And seriously, who describes a friend as having similar "financials." How very American and very telling about your character.

K & S said...

Whoa Batman....Lainey has some serious problem with you. I'd just have a chat with Katie. Tell her Harvy and you talked and that you want the true story. And go from there. It takes a mature person to have those difficult talks, and even though you did nothing wrong, Katie doesn't know that and Katie is letting her insecurity get the best of her. You're her friend. You care about her. Just have a talk with her, because by not saying anything, she is letting her worst fears be confirmed.

AnotherSocialScientist said...

Katie's just been dumped and is looking for anything other than herself to blame. You're the easy target and seeing as you've been distancing yourself from the group the others are probably feeling like you're pushing them away for a reason (even if it's in their heads). You've done nothing wrong so keep being you and eventually they'll recognise they were wrong in doubting you. But say something to Katie, even just 'I'm sorry to hear about the break up'.

 

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