Mel starting dating a guy over the holiday break. They went out a couple of times and seemed to really like each other. Then he disappeared. Not in the traditional drop-off-the-face-of-the-earth, OMG-what-if he-was-disfigured-in-a-car-accident kind of way. He disappeared in the most annoying way possible: He'd make plans! But they were vague! And then he never followed through!
"So today he texts me and asks what my plans are this weekend, but then he never asked me out," Mel updated. "Why ask what I'm doing if you aren't going to make plans?"
I nodded in utter agreement. Yes, why? It's a mystery indeed. I've been on the receiving end of that behavior since I was 18.
Then I realized I could just ask a guy. A guy who is currently out there and dating. A guy who loves women and wants them to be healthy and happy. A guy I trusted.
Such a guy exists. I asked him, "Why do guys ask for your plans when they have no intention of asking you out?"
He responded:
a) If you're doing something awesome, we can invite ourselves along.
b) If you don't have plans, we can now plan something cool--no sense in planning something if you're busy.
c) Polite conversation
I frowned. That was the answer to the great mystery? Hmph! But that behavior is so annoying.
To narrow the options down, I provided him the details of Mel's scenario: This guy went out with her twice, seemed interested via text and makes plans (Let's get together Tuesday!) but then no calls/no shows to complete the plans. That's happened three times within the last week or so. She tried to correct the behavior by directing, "Next time we make plans and you are unable to make it, please let me know." But he did it again. She texted him and he never responded, but then he popped up the next morning like nothing happened.
My friend took in the information and advised, "He's only texting her because she's available. Don't make someone a priority when you're just an option to him."
I stopped. That was it. That was the answer. As soon as I read the words, I knew he was speaking the truth. The guy wasn't busy with work like I had hoped; Mel was simply available.
I sent the answer to Mel. She said it was what she needed to hear and she appreciated the honesty of the response. My confidant had saved Mel from spending a lot of time and energy on some guy who hadn't earned it.
I felt at peace over the situation. It felt so good to finally have an answer.
The next day South Carolina Bestie sent me a question to forward to my confidant. His good sense has developed quite a reputation among my friends. If only everyone had someone to explain baffling male behavior!
Then I had an idea. I asked my friend if he would answer questions from my blog readers, and he has agreed. If you could anonymously ask a guy any question, what would you like to know? I have a few questions: When you sit in a chair, where do your balls go? What's the personality difference between breast men and ass men? How unattractive is it really to yak in your crush's bathtub?
Send your anonymous questions to desperatesarah@gmail.com.
10:04 PM
3 weeks ago
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12 comments:
Love love love!
Oh and I have dated, or not dated, the same guy as Mel.
Men are not complicated women are so we make men complicated in our own heads. Some Men know that so they take advantage of it and us. But there are GOOD Guys in the world, they are the ones you probably don't like.
Genius idea!
I have a few questions for him...
I think the answer to any of my questions would be, "Because they can..." I'll ask if I think of anything else, though.
I wonder how many women Mel's male friend was texting at the same time as he texted her.
I want to know the chair one for real! Make sure you post it!
Am in the same situation at the moment .. I'm glad I've had my suspicions confirmed! Thank you. x
Do men really forget things (dinner plans, errands to run, etc.) or do they remember but decide not to follow through anyway?
I am confused by every single man that has ever acted interested in me and then never follows through. When I don't like a guy, or when I'm unsure about him, I don't text him after the date being like "Had a great time!" and I certainly don't kiss them goodbye. SO WHY DO MEN DO THIS, WHY! The thing is, I'm pretty sure I already know the answer: to keep their options open. It's more that it irritates the crap out of me.
Well guys behavior is usually a directly link result of what he has learned from women.
I have been with the same man for 8 years. When we first started dating, we would hang out with his best friend. I would engage in conversation with his friend, and always would include my boyfriend. He would get furious that I talked to his friend. For Christ sakes, we are all sitting at the same table in a bar. No, he does not beat me, or is abusive. Just extremely jealous. So, today, I went to Applebees (yes, I have high brow tastes, mostly, I like their skinny bee drinks) ordered lunch, and as I was sipping my drink, and reading a book on my kindle his best friend walked up to my table to say hi to me and to introduce his girlfriend. They invited us to come to a party tonight at their home. I asked the friend where they lived. He looked at me and asked “Are you serious”. I said yes I was, and had no idea. He told me where he and his girlfriend lives, and it is less than a mile from us. I said, “Well, tell my boyfriend, and we will come” He said, “I already did”.
So, I called the boyfriend on my cell as I was doing some grocery shopping. I told him that I ran into his best friend and his new girlfriend. He said something like “Oh, really?” and got all shitty on me.
Before today, I had not seen his friend in three years. And by saying seeing, just running into around town.
I am not attracted to his best friend, never have been. I am no sex goddess, so I do not understand why he is so jealous over his best friend. My theory is that this friend may have encroached on his territory before, so he does not trust him. Or, maybe he does not trust me….But I have never cheated or given him a reason to doubt me. Sorry so wordy. Could not get my outlook email to work. Sorry to send this directly.
For anon who wrote:
"Do men really forget things (dinner plans, errands to run, etc.) or do they remember but decide not to follow through anyway?"
My bf is amazing. But he honestly forgets (i.e. wasn't paying attention well the first time) everything, all the time. It's insanity. Sometimes I just don't remind him of stuff and if he has trouble b/c of it, I figure, maybe he'll remember better next time! I'm not supposed to be his mom, after all.
I have also dated - or not dated! - the same guy as Mel. Again and again and again...
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