Singled Out

Any time someone mentions a great person looking for love, I'm all "I know loads of single people!" And then when I try to think of those said single people, it turns out I don't know any. Mel just celebrated her one-year anniversary. Swayze landed a dream girl we all love. My fun coworker has been in a relationship with Abraham's neighbor for a really long time now. 

[On a side note: I've noticed that weddings don't do the bouquet toss anymore. "Yeah, that's out," Abraham's roommate informed me. "We've hit that age where the bouquet toss is embarrassing because there aren't many single people left. People don't want to do it and compete with two-year-olds."

"But I've always wanted to do the bouquet toss," I whined. "I was going to attach the garter to a football for Abraham to throw."

"You can still do that, and that's a cute idea," she consoled.

That night Abraham and I compiled our guest list to get ready to start wedding planning. It was 270 freaking people. Of those, we counted about 25 who were completely unattached.  The bouquet toss is up in the air (pun intended).]

Where did all the single thirtysomethings go?

And then I remembered him: Schmoozer. He's since turned 30 and is officially on the market, proclaiming he's ready to date someone for at least six months. He'll have to reconsider for any time longer than that. 

"Oh! I know someone for your sister-in-law!" I exclaimed. "She'd have to pay her own way though."

My friend laughed. "That's cool. She's used to paying for the guy too, so this would be a solid step up for her."

Thinking of Schmoozer's criteria I asked, "Does she have a job?"

"Yeah."

I reached into my purse and grabbed my phone. Want to go on a blind date? I  texted Schmoozer. 

Depends who you set me up with. I'm willing but... you need to be aware that I'm picky (which you probably are). Is this person short?

Ah, Schmoozer's fixation with short people. He's insecure about his 5'10" frame.

I looked at the text message. He's self-proclaimed picky. To go on a blind date, one must have an open mind. I could already tell Schmoozer's mind wasn't open. 

I sent him a picture of her anyway. 

How old is she? he asked. 

Too many questions. He didn't even comment as to whether he thought she was cute. I got bored of Schmoozer and put my phone away. It was my turn to be picky. 

"He doesn't get to go out with her," I announced to the table. "He's acting too entitled."

Buzz. She's cute.

Buzz. So... is she willing to meet me?

Buzz. Send her my photo.

Buzz. You should bring her to my house party.

I watched as this girl's stock rose through my ignoring of his texts. There is something to be said about being unavailable.