Friday Night

Friday night was thankfully uneventful. Scott and I walk up to the bar hand in hand only to be greeted by The Musician, who was smoking in front of the door. He lit up, "Hey!" and I waved while walking right past him.

"That was the guy I dated right before you," I told Scott.

"I don't care. Did you sleep with him?"

"Nah, I stopped seeing him for you," and I leaned up and kissed him.

My friends and I ordered a two-liter beer and devoured it as quickly as we could. During The Musicians first song, he came around my table and danced with me, banging his tambourine on my thigh. During his second song, I was too busy dancing with Scott to notice what he was doing.

The friends were polite to Scott. Largely they didn't speak to him, but there was no hostility vibe going on. I think mainly it was important for them to see us together and to see me happy and I think that was accomplished.

The band called out our table and said everyone in the bar should be more like us: drinking and dancing and having a good time. It was the general consensus of the night.

Potential for Drama: Enormous

Tonight I'm going to The Musician's show! With Scott!

My friends and I always have a great time at The Musician's shows that we continue to go even though I'm not seeing him anymore. Only he hasn't had a show since I stopped seeing him. Nor did I ever officially stop seeing him. I never told The Musician that I started seeing someone else--I just smile and let him flirt. Except when I ran into him last week. But I waved to him and kept walking instead of stopping to chat, so I think he got the picture. But I can't wait to see his face tonight when I'm dancing with Scott to The Musician's song, muahahahah!

And the friends specifically told me to bring my "boy toy" with me, so it will be the first time we will all hang out together again.

So tonight I am bringing my boyfriend out to see the guy I was dating when I met him and we'll be with my friends who haven't yet put him in good graces. And alcohol will be involved. Awesome.

Bridget Jones was on to something

I remember reading this post from Drama Queen and being insanely green-eyed envious. She's right, that is love. I wanted that kind of love.

Last night Scott and I were sitting on my couch, eating our dinner off the single TV tray I own. While he shoveled his rice with a spoon, I insisted on using a fork which was working in the dog's favor. She was happily settled between my feet and nosing the carpet where most of my dinner ended up.

I sighed, "Man, my food-to-mouth ratio is just not happening tonight."

Scott put his head down, closed his eyes, and laughed silently. Then he composed himself and looked at me, "I love you."

I brushed more rice off my pants to the dog's delight, thought of DQ's pizza-stained PJs, and smiled.

Homecoming

I pushed down the handle and my apartment door swung open. Still wearing my oversized tortoise-shell sunglasses, I squeezed inside with my bags over my shoulder.

"Hello?"

I knew Scott was waiting for me inside my apartment, so I was stunned when there was no response.

"Hello?"

Seriously, my loft isn't that big. And by "isn't that big" I mean "from the bedroom you can hear the ice maker in the freezer drop ice."

I huffed, "Really?"

My balcony door creaked and I saw Scott flip a cigarette over the side as he walked in, "Hey!" He ran towards me and kissed me while he pulled my bags off my shoulder and set them on the slate tile. My sunglasses fell off my head as I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his waist. This was the greeting I wanted.

After I was already at the beach, I told Scott it was a shame he couldn't come up for a few days. He got so excited over the invite he immediately took two days off of work to drive the 250 miles (400 km) to see me. Only an hour and a half into his ride, his motorcycle broke down and he never made it. We were both so bummed that I cut my vacation short by a day and came home to spend it with him before I had to go back to work.

He kissed me all over my face and neck and embraced me, running his hands all around my back and sides, "I missed you, baby." He had his shit-eating grin, the one that M-Joy described as the "smile that would melt the coldest heart if it wanted to." I climbed off of him and he held my face with both of his hands, "Sarah, I love you."

I gasped. Since the initial and the, uh, recommenced I love you, we hadn't said it again. I was okay with it. I saw it as the release of our feelings--we acknowledged how we felt, but I don't think either one of us was ready to handle it yet.

"That's the first time you've said it."

"It took you going away for a week. I was miserable without you. I would come home from work and just go to bed and sleep because then it would be the next day and I would be one more day closer to seeing you again.

"You want to know something?" he whispered to my face. "You're a milestone for me. I didn't think I could ever feel this way again. I didn't think I could ever even be in this situation again. I hoped and I prayed for you."

I thought back to when I started this blog, after the ending of a poor excuse of a relationship, and I remember feeling so overwhelmed about starting over. Finding someone to date seemed improbable. Finding someone to love me was already impossible. When I envisioned the future, I never saw me sharing it with someone else. I don't know if I ever have. I've always felt different in that respect. Even when I was a preteen, I always felt that love was always going to be outside of my reach. I never thought I would be here, with this man who is nothing like I've ever dated before. I understood how he felt.

Then I thought of all the men I went through to get here and suddenly I was angry. All the shit they put me through and--worse--everything I put up with. Nick rejecting me, Andy admitting to using me, Adam disappearing after I slept with him, Jack being an all around doucheface, Conor's antics, and Christopher, well, just being Christopher. I got so angry that I balled up my fist and pounded on Scott's chest, "You can't fuck around with me. I cannot go through what I've been through again! I will not! I won't! I need a nice guy!"

He grabbed my fist and held it away from both of us. "What's happened in the past, stays in the past. It's not going to be like that anymore," he crooned. "You have to forgive and move on. All we have is the present. And, if we're lucky, the future.

"You perpetually look skeptical. See, you're giving me that sideways glance right now. You have to trust me, Sarah. You have to trust me."

With possession of my own hand again, I smoothed his plain white t-shirt over his chest where I had ineffectually beat on him. "I do," I mumbled, not meeting his stare.

"Now I'm going to look you in the eyes and you're going to look at me back and you're going to tell me you love me."

I lifted my brow and saw his brown eyes looking at me with that same hopeful earnest he did when he said he confessed he did love me. As they always have since the first time we met, his eyes steadied me and my worries drifted away. I do love him and I told him as much. I began to kiss him, "This is me jumping."

"Go ahead, baby. I'm here to catch you."


P.S. I think it's appropriate that He Loves Me Not turns two today.

Yours and Mine

Your beach probably looks something like this:


My beach looks something more like this:

Wild horses included

Your trees probably look something like this:


My trees look something more like this:

Spanish Moss included

Your beach house probably looks something like this:


My beach house looks something more like this:

Blue ceilings to keep the ghosts away included

Heading to the beach for a week. The Lowcountry is calling me.

Lunch

Saturday I went to lunch with the girls in my group of friends. I was tired of everything not being said. The group hadn't been hanging out much lately and Scott had been there for me when my friends hadn't--I could feel my loyalties switching and I wanted to just clear everything up so we could all be happy again.

"Who knew summer would kill us?" chewed D. "Everyone took their vacations and we just haven't been able to get realigned since."

I was glad that when I asked for the lunch, everyone immediately agreed. At the table we realized that we have never had lunch before, we have dinners and--more frequently--happy hour drinks. They also already knew the reasons I wanted to have lunch and they readily came. They were willing to listen.

They asked questions about Scott's and my fight. I never had an opportunity to explain anything about that night since everyone had a chance to calm down. As soon as I retold the story, relief immediately washed over Harvey's face, "Good. That's what I wanted to hear."

Each girl took a turn asking different questions about him--they never even got to know him before cutting him off. They reminded me of how parents behave, which makes me smile.

"How long was he single before you?"

"Fourteen months."

"Does he want to get married?"

"He does. He talks about it a lot."

"Are you ready to settle?"

"Meh, I don't know."

Harvey laughed, "I think that's as close to a 'yes' we'll ever get out of you!"

"I love you guys and I love him. You're my two favorite parts of my life," I said. "I want to bring those parts together."

"Okay," they smiled. My girlfriends lifted the Scott ban with the understanding that things will be awkward when I bring him out again. I know. Scott knows.

But we're all willing to try again.

Meet and Greet

"And how do you know M-Joy again?" he asked me.

"Uh, the city."

You know her from the city."

"Yes."

"How?"

"Okay, well I haven't actually met her yet," I danced from side to side, "But I talk to her all day long on... message boards! Yes, message boards!"

"Oh, okay!"

I can't believe he bought it.

So it was on, we were meeting M-Joy at a local bar for her birthday. Besides my joy in meeting other people who blog, the friend thing has not been resolved at all in my life. Matter of fact, it was as worse as ever. I missed G's last-minute birthday plans because it was already planned that Scott was meeting my parents that night. My e-mail, MySpace message, and phone call all went unreturned. Passive aggressive comments have been spread all over my MySpace board. Scott is still banned from all events involving the friends. Meeting new people seemed like a good idea as any right about now.

Picking someone out in a bar based on a photograph is actually not as hard as it sounds. I greeted M-Joy with a hug and met C (!). We giggled as we spoke in our secret blog code the boys didn't understand. We basically introduced Scott to C and said, "C used to own a motorcycle. Scott sells motorbikes. Go!"

We headed upstairs to the actual venue and gossiped some more while swaying to the music. The opening band was really good--one of the most enjoyable opening acts I've ever seen.

Then Scott's face turns white and he starts wobbling.

He hadn't been to work for a few days because of some horrible virus. I had affectionately started calling him Poops. Poops mumbled something about me taking him to the car and leaving him there while I dance with M-Joy, but leaving your sick and throwing-up boyfriend in the car while you drink in a bar sounded like a recipe for AA if I ever heard one. So we dashed out the door, just quick enough for him to get sick on the sidewalk, and the gas station bushes, and the parking lot when we finally got there. And again outside the door to my apartment.

I'm going to leave out the details of the rest of my night, but it does involve the sentence, "Buying a machine-washable couch cover was the best decision I ever made."

But meeting M-Joy was a blast and I'm so happy I got to celebrate her birthday with her! She writes about it here.