~Thursday, August 31, 2006

Wavering

"Are you okay?"

Clearly I was not. My body was shaking and my mind couldn't stop racing. Every time I've slept with someone in the past year, it's always been on a casual level. I didn't want that anymore. Not with Adam. I wanted a boyfriend. A chance at love.

"I'm fine." I think my voice even shook as I said it.

Adam leaned down on top of me, putting all his weight on me. That's the thing I miss the most when I'm lonely-- the weight of someone on top of me. He ran his fingers through my hair and gave me very slow, very soft kisses; he was trying to calm me down.

I've been thinking about sex a lot lately. I wanted to wait with Adam. I needed to take things slowly, for my own sanity if nothing else. I didn't know how to tell him this and I didn't know how he would take it. Somehow I knew that it wouldn't be a problem, he didn't even stick his tongue in my mouth until our fourth date and when I insisted that all clothes stay on a couple of nights ago, he gave the best possible response:

"You have to look it at like a Prisoner of War camp: they're obligated to try to escape. I'm obligated to try to do more with you, but I'll respect whatever you decide."
Originally I wanted to tell him I needed a relationship of some sorts before giving that part of myself to him. It would hurt my feelings to know he could sleep with me and then shop around on-line the next morning.

Then I rationalized it with even if I did get some sort of commitment out of him, it still wouldn't keep him around. He could end things at any moment, regardless if I was the only one or not. By sleeping with him, I would be taking a risk no matter the situation.

I had questions I wanted to ask, but I can't. It's too early. I would look wounded or damaged. By admitting I'm insecure to him, I probably would have to provide some examples. I'm not good with sharing my secrets or opening up.

I lifted up and rolled Adam on his back. I picked up his hands and pinned them above his head. I needed control. I needed to take the focus off of me. Perhaps if I turn the attention on him, I can buy myself a little more time to think about things.

No, I would not be sharing any secrets tonight.

5 comments:

Angel Girl said...

Baby steps darlin. Everything will externalize when the moment is right for both of you!

Jen said...

When you are ready you will share. You have to do what feels right for you.

Daniel said...

There are no secrets..... only witheld information.

You sound adorable........ but I have a hyperactive imagination

Rocky Mountain Princess said...

OMG... Creepy. I have an Adam, too and we're pretty recent; August 13, 2006 of this year recent... I'm in the same boat you are and it gave me chills reading this entry.

I love your journal!

Anonymous said...

I was in the same situation before is going to be all good i'm being bothered like that and at other times before I had actually thought about buying pills or something so then I won't have to end up pregnant and then I could be wit= my babez I LOVE HIM but I dont know what to do either girl just keep it slow....

 

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