Wavering

"Are you okay?"

Clearly I was not. My body was shaking and my mind couldn't stop racing. Every time I've slept with someone in the past year, it's always been on a casual level. I didn't want that anymore. Not with Adam. I wanted a boyfriend. A chance at love.

"I'm fine." I think my voice even shook as I said it.

Adam leaned down on top of me, putting all his weight on me. That's the thing I miss the most when I'm lonely-- the weight of someone on top of me. He ran his fingers through my hair and gave me very slow, very soft kisses; he was trying to calm me down.

I've been thinking about sex a lot lately. I wanted to wait with Adam. I needed to take things slowly, for my own sanity if nothing else. I didn't know how to tell him this and I didn't know how he would take it. Somehow I knew that it wouldn't be a problem, he didn't even stick his tongue in my mouth until our fourth date and when I insisted that all clothes stay on a couple of nights ago, he gave the best possible response:

"You have to look it at like a Prisoner of War camp: they're obligated to try to escape. I'm obligated to try to do more with you, but I'll respect whatever you decide."

Originally I wanted to tell him I needed a relationship of some sorts before giving that part of myself to him. It would hurt my feelings to know he could sleep with me and then shop around on-line the next morning.

Then I rationalized it with even if I did get some sort of commitment out of him, it still wouldn't keep him around. He could end things at any moment, regardless if I was the only one or not. By sleeping with him, I would be taking a risk no matter the situation.

I had questions I wanted to ask, but I can't. It's too early. I would look wounded or damaged. By admitting I'm insecure to him, I probably would have to provide some examples. I'm not good with sharing my secrets or opening up.

I lifted up and rolled Adam on his back. I picked up his hands and pinned them above his head. I needed control. I needed to take the focus off of me. Perhaps if I turn the attention on him, I can buy myself a little more time to think about things.

No, I would not be sharing any secrets tonight.