~Thursday, November 09, 2006

I like assholes.

The thought came clearly in my tequila fog. I was out at dinner with Married Work Guy (We're friends. No hanky panky, honest) and we were splitting a pitcher of margaritas after he had a particularity gnarly work day. Invariably, the conversation always turns to theLoveLife.

"Well, I'm not going to finish this margarita. With this tequila, you're inhibitions are going to be lowered and otherwise I won't be able to say no when you offer to blow me in the parking lot," he says. He smiles afterwards and I know he's not really serious. Okay, he is, but with the smile I can at least see his game.

That's just like MWG, to take his thing for me and turn it around to make it somehow my fault. I like that. Why can't I find someone like that?

And then,

Omigod, I like assholes.

I did, after all, spend five months in bed with a guy who called me a whore at first meeting. He played hot and cold with me and I loved every minute of it.

"MWG, I like assholes."

"I know you do. You like it best when you think you have control, but in reality you never do."

Yeah, pretty much. That's why I pushed the envelope with Kissing Bandit last week. I wanted to see how much control I had and I was disappointed when I found out I had it all.

"Was your dad an asshole?"

"No, he was absent. My mother was a huge one though. I refuse to have much of a relationship with her to this day because of that."

"Well there you go. We often look for partners that have the same qualities as our parents. You equate tearing you down with love. If it's not a battle, you don't think it's real because it's too easy.

"Nothing was ever good enough for my father," he continued, "So I married a woman where nothing I did was good enough for her. But we realized this pattern and we put a positive spin on it where she pushed me until I became a better and better person."

He paused and dipped a chip into the salsa and ate it. "Not bad for clown school?" he asked.

I once made fun of him in a meeting where he said he graduated with honors and I added, "from clown school." RHFDSC laughed.

"Nope," I agreed.

"Your mamma went to clown school."

And I laughed.


Walter said...

Seeing the pattern and understanding what caused it is the first step in any sort of lasting change. However, that's if you want to change. Remember, Assholes need love to. :P

M said...

I had to come back and make an amendment..

I don't go very well when I have all the power and control either. A co-conspirator is more like it - when you're in it together, power may shift but there's a both against the world thing going on.

The way I see it, if you know that at the heart they really do cherish you then it's *all* good - jokes, roughhousing, insults whatever!

Personally, I don't think real arseholes give a shit about anyone though. This is where women get confused and end up with a psychotic partner.

ps: MWG - I don't know Sarah, I get a bad feeling about him. I feel bad for his wife too.

Sarah said...

Walter- Is this something I can change? Can I really change whom I'm attracted to? I don't know...

M- I think you're right. A co-conspirator is the way to go. Insulting banter (my foreplay) is give and take, not just him running my self-esteem into the ground. You make some very good points and I'm glad to know I'm not completely alone in my thinking.

I agree about the wife. I feel bad for her too because MWG is an asshole. But he seems to respect my decision to not have an affair with him. He hasn't made me feel uncomfortable since.

Indiana said...

I think I have a penchant for "THE BITCH" actually that should probably be "THE SELFISH BITCH" that way when it fails as I know it will, I can be absolved of responsibilty. Getting myself into situations with people who are less than I want is a pattern I think I may have finally recognised.

Anonymous said...

I need a partner in crime.

Kinda of like Bonnie and Clyde with the hats but without the dieing in hailing of bullets.

pink jellybaby said...

there's always a pattern but honestly it can be broken!! promise

Sarah said...

Indy- now that you recognize your pattern, do you think you can actually change whom you're attracted to?

Phil- Sounds good to me. You know, whithout the bullets and stuff...

Buttons- That's good news!! But how?

Anonymous said...

As you can probably tell I am reading this from day one. You're an awesome writer and I'm drinking this up like a good novel. My other bedtime reading (another novel, a biography, and Flipboard) are currently on the back burner. I want to comment on everything but I'm years behind. Can't wait to catch up. -L


© 2005 - 2013 He Loves Me Not
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - Share Alike 3.0 United States License.

template by suckmylolly.com