~Saturday, January 13, 2007

Living Dead

"I am a writer, writer of fictions...
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones"
-- The Decemberists, "The Engine Driver"

I don't know if I didn't want to publicly acknowledge Adam's return for fear of calling a false alarm or for fear of jinxing it and having him disappear again.

He said he wanted to be friends. He said he "actually [meant] it this time." However, our e-mails had been getting further and further apart. Adam had become less responsive about the details regarding his life and had just been inquisitive about mine. I somewhat understood the situation: he had a new relationship that required his nurturing.

Sometime in late November I had sent him a "where are you?" e-mail. He responded within a half-hour, saying he was really busy with finals for law school and that I would receive a proper response over the weekend. The weekend came and went. The following week came and went. It took him two weeks to respond and even at that, it was composed of roughly two sentences.

I knew I had to let Adam go. Every time I sent Adam a letter or a response to his, I was giving away pieces of myself to him that I would never get back. Adam had been very good about keeping tabs on me: he still visits another one of my blogs daily and checks my MySpace in addition to his e-mails. However, I knew nothing about him. I deleted his last response and walked away.

When I returned from my beach vacation right before New Year's, I logged on to my computer for the first time in almost a week. And I almost toppled over. Adam had sent me an e-mail on Christmas Day. I clicked over and read his first. It was a personalized e-mail, not a mass one. Moreover, he sent it at 11:45 AM instead of around 4PM when the magic of Christmas wears off and everything is kind of... boring.

Adam thought about me on Christmas morning. Did I think of him? I'm not sure. I do know that at 11:45 I was driving across the state to switch families and do Christmas with my father. I didn't get any other messages on Christmas Day. Matter of fact, I didn't even respond to the three text messages I received. Was he lonely? Did he not have his daughter? It would have been his first Christmas without her. Where was his girlfriend? If that relationship was a long time coming like he said, they should be practically living together by now. Why was he thinking of me?

Stunned, I couldn't respond to his e-mail. I was fixing to go back out of town to spend New Year's Eve with David; I didn't have time to anguish over an e-mail that wouldn't get a response. Sometime in the new year right before I started work again, I sent him an "Adam" response: I'm well. I had a drama-free Christmas and I just got back from vacation.

Within a couple of days Adam broke tradition and responded, requesting more details and elaborating on his own. So I did. And he did. It's been a couple of weeks like this. Friday morning my inbox was filled with several messages from Adam. The building I live in was apparently featured on "House Hunters" and he had been giving me updates from the show.

The old Adam is back: Classic Adam. I liked Classic Adam. I liked Classic Adam a lot. Ex-Adam, not so much.

I am hurt: Classic Adam chose someone else over me. I played the game right, and I lost.

I am angry: I am friends with 99% of my exes for one reason: they all leave me and they all come back. If I am so cool and valued like they say I am, then why to they leave in the first place? What about me is so volatile that they walk way? I already know why they come back. Just once I'd like to break this cycle -- I want someone who knows what he has and doesn't throw it[me] away.

I am confused: What's with the sudden return? Did something change? I'm a person who prefers the dark as opposed to knowing the truth. Because in the dark there's hope.

Am I hoping?

I guess I am.


Cain said...

Where have I been??

~~on hold, I'll play "catch-up," and come back, k?~~

[note to self: Post more often...read, here!]

~~"adam" seems kinda flighty..am I wrong?? here-gone-here-gone; go away-come back-go away-come back??

(sorry, I'm out of the loop..but, you're on the right track, it seems.)


adventure boy said...

For me it's the first time (in four relationships) that I try the "friends" thing with my now-ex, la parisienne. I know I'm generally pretty crap at staying in touch with my friends, who do not live where I live, so I didnt have any high hopes regarding staying in touch as friends with la parisienne.

But it wasn't actually my lack of staying in touch which made it impossible to stay friends but the fact that I simply can't do it.

I realised (yesterday actually, so the synchronicity of your post with

is interesting) that being in touch just forces me to give her what she wants without requiring her to give me what I want. So for her it's a win-lose situation. In other words, by remaining friends I am, effectively, allowing myself to be used.

I've decided that it's not worth it. Maybe time will heal it and make it possible for me to be friends with her. Maybe it won't, I don't know.

pinkjellybaby said...

ok well. i had one like this, a bit like this. kept coming back. walk away if you honestly want to keep your heart in one piece.
if he's left before then he can leave again, some guys get bored and lonely and if he knows how you feel then he thinks you're an easy way to alleviate his loneliness.
don't fall for it. he isn't worth it. one day a guy will come along who loves you and wants you as you are, someone who won't leave you and wouldn't even dream of it. you deserve that
it's nothing you have done, it's them.
don't settle for second best

Jen said...

I have to agree with pinkjellybaby. He has walked away before so he won't hesitate to do it again. But I also understand how hard it will be to cut him loose...

Phil said...

I'm about the last person to offer advice on relationships.

The only sidenote is any exgirlfriend that I am still friends with means that the relationship wasn't serious to begin with.

In most relationships, once the rubicon is crossed there is no going back.

To be honest I wonder why there is this pressure to 'still be friends'.

Are we all trying to assage guilty feelings?

I don't wish bad karma on any exgirlfriend, even Psycho Diane but it doesn't mean I want to hang out with them either.

Hmmm must think further.

M said...

I don't know if the being friends thing actually works in ex-land (really friends..without all the 'I'm still attracted to you' stuff). The thing about 'I know what I lost and now I want it back' is that age old thing of wanting what you know you can't have. If they actually did come back for real would they still be blowhards and do the escape thing? Honestly? Probably.

But your musings about someone who doesn't walk away is something I think all women everywhere would like to know more about! I know all about the hoping - I can totally sympathise - but I don't know whether taking a step backwards is the way to go.

I hope with you too hon.

general_boy said...

I guess I have to relate it to Coupling again... you and he are still in The Zone ( even though you thought you were out of it ). ;)

I think M's comment pretty much nailed it, but the 'step backwards' thing, well, that's maybe not so cut and dry. Sometimes people make mistakes, and let something go they realise deeply that maybe they shouldn't have. I'm not saying that's the case, and more often than not it's as M suggests - wanting what you can no longer have.

But there's that doubt... and I've known both sides of it...

Indiana said...

Some times the actions of guys are done for no reason, we don;t have a plan, we don't have an agenda, we just want to live.

Sometimes we realise we made a mistake and don't have the words or the courage to admit such.

And sometimes we just like you, and are happy to leave it at that...

...my worthless 2 cents, stop questioning so deeply and instead just enjoy his attention and the attention of anyone who you find passingly cute. ~grin~

general_boy said...

Oh BTW, 3 sticky gold stars for quoting The Decemberists. Love 'em ;)

Sarah said...

Cain- Ooh yeah, most of that happened before you joined us :). I never thought of that before, but you're right -- he is flighty.

Adventure Boy- You feel the exact same way I was trying to articulate: that keeping in touch is a poor investment because I'm not getting any return. I'm soooo glad to know that other people have felt that too!

Pinky- "Bored and lonely," I'm going to have to make that my mantra. He's just bored and lonely. Learn. Repeat.

Jen- Girl, you keep me sane!

Phil- I can be friends as long as I didn't love them, which is most of the men in my life.

I don't know why you wouldn't want to spend any time with Psycho Diane, she sounds lovely ;)

Mez- I have no idea what to do here. Just keep my emotional distance, I guess.

General Boy- The Zone! Yes, we still have some of each other's stuff, so I guess we are there. Does that mean I can still get laid? Hehehe.

Indy- Thanks for bringing me back to reality; I needed this.

General Boy- Coupling, Mint Royale, and The Decemberists?! If only you were gay we could go shopping together and be best friends!

general_boy said...

hahahaha! Gay, hmmm... bit of a stretch ( no pun intended LOL ). Let's just settle for "metrosensual" and grab the credit cards. ;)

Lil said...

oooo! *heart* The Decemberists!! =)

Dang girl, I dunno about the ex as friends thing. Tough one... especially ones where there are obviously still feelings (on both sides). It's always hard to let go. The what if, y'know?

*big hugs*

Sarah said...

General Boy- done!

Lil- Yup, the big What If. It's a killer :)


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