Living Dead

"I am a writer, writer of fictions...
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones"
-- The Decemberists, "The Engine Driver"

I don't know if I didn't want to publicly acknowledge Adam's return for fear of calling a false alarm or for fear of jinxing it and having him disappear again.

He said he wanted to be friends. He said he "actually [meant] it this time." However, our e-mails had been getting further and further apart. Adam had become less responsive about the details regarding his life and had just been inquisitive about mine. I somewhat understood the situation: he had a new relationship that required his nurturing.

Sometime in late November I had sent him a "where are you?" e-mail. He responded within a half-hour, saying he was really busy with finals for law school and that I would receive a proper response over the weekend. The weekend came and went. The following week came and went. It took him two weeks to respond and even at that, it was composed of roughly two sentences.

I knew I had to let Adam go. Every time I sent Adam a letter or a response to his, I was giving away pieces of myself to him that I would never get back. Adam had been very good about keeping tabs on me: he still visits another one of my blogs daily and checks my MySpace in addition to his e-mails. However, I knew nothing about him. I deleted his last response and walked away.

When I returned from my beach vacation right before New Year's, I logged on to my computer for the first time in almost a week. And I almost toppled over. Adam had sent me an e-mail on Christmas Day. I clicked over and read his first. It was a personalized e-mail, not a mass one. Moreover, he sent it at 11:45 AM instead of around 4PM when the magic of Christmas wears off and everything is kind of... boring.

Adam thought about me on Christmas morning. Did I think of him? I'm not sure. I do know that at 11:45 I was driving across the state to switch families and do Christmas with my father. I didn't get any other messages on Christmas Day. Matter of fact, I didn't even respond to the three text messages I received. Was he lonely? Did he not have his daughter? It would have been his first Christmas without her. Where was his girlfriend? If that relationship was a long time coming like he said, they should be practically living together by now. Why was he thinking of me?

Stunned, I couldn't respond to his e-mail. I was fixing to go back out of town to spend New Year's Eve with David; I didn't have time to anguish over an e-mail that wouldn't get a response. Sometime in the new year right before I started work again, I sent him an "Adam" response: I'm well. I had a drama-free Christmas and I just got back from vacation.

Within a couple of days Adam broke tradition and responded, requesting more details and elaborating on his own. So I did. And he did. It's been a couple of weeks like this. Friday morning my inbox was filled with several messages from Adam. The building I live in was apparently featured on "House Hunters" and he had been giving me updates from the show.

The old Adam is back: Classic Adam. I liked Classic Adam. I liked Classic Adam a lot. Ex-Adam, not so much.

I am hurt: Classic Adam chose someone else over me. I played the game right, and I lost.

I am angry: I am friends with 99% of my exes for one reason: they all leave me and they all come back. If I am so cool and valued like they say I am, then why to they leave in the first place? What about me is so volatile that they walk way? I already know why they come back. Just once I'd like to break this cycle -- I want someone who knows what he has and doesn't throw it[me] away.

I am confused: What's with the sudden return? Did something change? I'm a person who prefers the dark as opposed to knowing the truth. Because in the dark there's hope.

Am I hoping?

I guess I am.