Sabotage

The next evening I suffered from name-calling remorse. I called two different friends, both of which began the call with "What did you do to him!?"

So it seems like I've developed quite a little reputation for sabotaging relationships.

Both girls dubbed the story hilarious and "not that bad" of a situation. It was decided that I would wait a couple of days and then apologize next time I talk to him. But Jack had called within the half hour.

"I just want to apologize for calling you a dick. That's sort of, um, my personality, I really didn't mean anything by it," I tried to explain.

"When did you call me a dick?"

"...I didn't!" I couldn't believe I admitted to two people what happened and he didn't even remember. That embarrassment could have died with me.

"Okay, but let's just say you were to call me a dick; what would be the circumstances?"

And so I had to relive the moment for the 4th time.

"You know what's hilarious?" he laughed. "If you had never apologized, I would have never remembered. But now I'm going to remember that."

"Forever."

"Right."

I groaned.

Things are actually going really well. He's called every night since then and we are going out again on Saturday. I can't remember the last time a boy called me just because. Christopher never did. Adam, only twice. And that pushes me back to 2005.

I think this is reminding me exactly how long it's been since I've been loved. I've just become so lonely. In many ways Jack completely amazes me. He's a reader: we're both members of literary societies and I finally have someone to talk with about James Joyce, Proust, and Pynchon. He's also a writer, and we both have magazine articles being published within the next couple of months. He's equally as quirky as I am and he makes me laugh. He meets most of my top 15 criteria.

However, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not. I think he's needier than I am. Or maybe I've just been conditioned not to need. I can't tell the difference between how I've been treated and what I believe. Maybe that's because what I've been through shapes who I am. I actually don't need the phone calls every night. I don't need to set people up to say nice things to me. He went out of town with someone he only met once and I'm worried he could suck me into codependency and subsequently I could get crushed.

The serious relationships of my life, they all began with the man being more confident about his feelings for me rather than my feelings for him. I ended up deciding to like him and I got annihilated. This is beginning very much the same way.

But it's been so long since I had someone smell my hair.