~Friday, March 02, 2007

Sabotage

The next evening I suffered from name-calling remorse. I called two different friends, both of which began the call with "What did you do to him!?"

So it seems like I've developed quite a little reputation for sabotaging relationships.

Both girls dubbed the story hilarious and "not that bad" of a situation. It was decided that I would wait a couple of days and then apologize next time I talk to him. But Jack had called within the half hour.

"I just want to apologize for calling you a dick. That's sort of, um, my personality, I really didn't mean anything by it," I tried to explain.

"When did you call me a dick?"

"...I didn't!" I couldn't believe I admitted to two people what happened and he didn't even remember. That embarrassment could have died with me.

"Okay, but let's just say you were to call me a dick; what would be the circumstances?"

And so I had to relive the moment for the 4th time.

"You know what's hilarious?" he laughed. "If you had never apologized, I would have never remembered. But now I'm going to remember that."

"Forever."

"Right."

I groaned.

Things are actually going really well. He's called every night since then and we are going out again on Saturday. I can't remember the last time a boy called me just because. Christopher never did. Adam, only twice. And that pushes me back to 2005.

I think this is reminding me exactly how long it's been since I've been loved. I've just become so lonely. In many ways Jack completely amazes me. He's a reader: we're both members of literary societies and I finally have someone to talk with about James Joyce, Proust, and Pynchon. He's also a writer, and we both have magazine articles being published within the next couple of months. He's equally as quirky as I am and he makes me laugh. He meets most of my top 15 criteria.

However, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not. I think he's needier than I am. Or maybe I've just been conditioned not to need. I can't tell the difference between how I've been treated and what I believe. Maybe that's because what I've been through shapes who I am. I actually don't need the phone calls every night. I don't need to set people up to say nice things to me. He went out of town with someone he only met once and I'm worried he could suck me into codependency and subsequently I could get crushed.

The serious relationships of my life, they all began with the man being more confident about his feelings for me rather than my feelings for him. I ended up deciding to like him and I got annihilated. This is beginning very much the same way.

But it's been so long since I had someone smell my hair.

11 comments:

Walter said...

"Okay, but let's just say you were to call me a dick; what would be the circumstances?"

This almost sounded like he said his dick is circumcised. Did I just type that? Sorry, gotta go...,

SuvvyGirl said...

Well...maybe that's what could make things he does nice...because you don't need him to do them. They're a just because. The little things are nice sometimes. Getting crushed hurts, but it's still a wonderful feeling while the good stuff lasts. Okay, I sound like a bad fortune cookie. But I hope things go well for you. :)

dont eat token said...

Try not to fret now.

I feel like I have similar feelings as you and I called myself professionally single before Jukebox. So I struggle with the fact that he can spend every day with me. And I often call him to hang out and think later I need time to myself.

Readjust. Don't be afraid to say you need a night off, ahead of time. "I'm turning my ringers off tomorrow night so I can read/clean/take a bath."

M said...

"Or maybe I've just been condition not to need"

yep.

and getting annihilated only means that you've fallen hard. That's also a good thing - you don't get anywhere good unless that happens.

Phil said...

I love that he didn't remember the dick line because so often (me at least) we think Person X must think Y and we're totally wrong.

See what happens Sarah but you stay in control of the events. Just cause he wants to fly away for the weekend doesn't mean you want to. On this one I pretty sure I'm right - he'll understand.

James said...

Sarah, you need to drop the 'I'm not sure if this is a good idea' nonsense. Forget the past and aim to love like you've never loved before. You have to take some risks in life. Best of luck.

Cain said...

Okay. Call me a "dick," but I say:

Push on, and reach for the stars!

(Whatever the hell that means~~lol)

~~You never know unless you do, right. "It's up to you to do, the Ha-cha-Cha"~~

xx,Cain.

general_boy said...

I think you nailed it with the title Sarah. I know it's easier said than done, but don't overthink it! There sounds like a lot of "good" in there, and you might just be starting to think you deserve it - and that can be scary. As for the "needy" thing, I wouldn't read too much into that either. Isn't it kinda nice to be *thought of*, and often? :)

Amber said...

Relationships are always a scary thing. Dating is, too. Just take it one day at a time and enjoy the moments... after all, having your hair smelled IS one of "those" things, ya know?

So far, he SOUNDS like a good one. Be sure to keep us updated so we can follow this one :).

Sarah said...

Walter- I didn't even think of it like that!

Suvvygirl- I never thought of it that way, that they are little bonuses. Good thinking!

Don't Eat Token- That is a great idea!

M- Oops, saw my typo ;) That's true, but getting annihilated really really hurts.

Phil- If he's worth anything, he will, right?

James- But but things can end so very badly.

Cain- Can't I reach for the stars very very slowly?

General Boy- I love the attention from it, you're right. :)

Amber- he did come highly recommended, lol!

Cain said...

Oh yes...Slowly!

By all means. :)

 

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