And... repeat

Jack called again early Saturday.

"So what did you do yesterday?"

"Let's see. I went to Helen's and watched the Deal or No Deal marathon."

"Heh, okay."

"Then I went out to dinner with the group--I met your old coworker."

"Yeah?"

"Then we all went to see B.O.G."

"You what?"

"Yeah. So you're off the hook."

Jack then got really upset with me for going to see the movie without him. He thought I did it just to spite him because he had originally wanted to see it with everyone and I asked if just the two of us could go. He conceded to my wish, but at the same time he pushed the date back again.

I had never for one second thought that me going without him would hurt his feelings. If anything, I thought I was doing him a favor so he wouldn't have to take me anymore. The movie was becoming a bigger issue than it should have been, so I removed it. I thought he would be relieved.

I no longer trusted Jack. Thursday night's phone call was too hurtful. He said he didn't want to go to my party, he didn't want to see me, and he didn't want to call me. I took that to mean he didn't want to take me to see the movie anymore.

In that conversation, he actually said he didn't want to stop me from doing things with my friends. So I did. I reminded him of this.

Jack said I should have called and invited him along.

"But you wouldn't have been able to go! You were working!"

"You didn't know that at the time."

So I told him. I told him I didn't feel comfortable calling him.

"Why?"

"You said to assume I'm not going to see you unless you call."

Jack vehemently denied that. "I would never say anything like that. That's a terrible thing to say."

I flipped open my diary I had been writing in when he called. I saw it on the page from the phone call, so I knew I wasn't drinking the crazy juice. "But you did say that. I told you it was a terrible thing to say right then and you told me it wasn't."

"No. I didn't." Jack's voice was stern and hard, letting me know how serious he was. He's never spoken to me like that before. I dropped it, knowing I was right.

He then explained it exactly how Helen tried: to not assume we're doing something every weekend. But the way he said it on Thursday was much harsher. "Just assume on not seeing me..."

Maybe he was in a weird mood on Thursday and took it out on me. I certainly paid for it. But he was kind on Friday night and he called the next afternoon after he said he wasn't going to call as much anymore.

I don't know what the outcome of our conversation will be. I hope he realizes that I won't wait around for him. He probably sees it as getting screwed and playing the victim. That I indeed am a bad person. That I'm like every other crazy girl. But I'm not. If he could only see how good I really am.

"That's what I wanted to do--see it with everybody--and you told me I wasn't allowed."

"No! I said I would rather see it with just you."

"And I agreed. If you wanted to see the movie with me, then why did you go with everyone else?"

"Because I didn't believe you." I felt small. I didn't want to be honest with Jack. I didn't want to admit that I'm damaged.

"Well that explains your behavior, even though I have no idea why you would think that."

He said that we agreed he would take me and he said he would. I still don't know if that would have happened or not. I didn't want this to be one more thing that I got my hopes up for that didn't happen. I didn't want to get hurt again. I took control over the situation instead of staying at home and crying. But it also resulted in this weird phone call.

I should be ashamed for not trusting Jack. For not believing him. I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I'll do something that makes no sense. But I never considered Jack for one second for my plans that night. And neither had anyone else. Of the six people out, including his old coworker, not one person invited Jack and I think that hurt him the most.

However, the fact of the matter is that he didn't call and they did. They wanted to see the movie with me more than he did.