~Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Lovely

Last night I came home from work, unlocked my apartment door, and was greeted by Christopher, who just didn't make it home Sunday night. All 3 minutes away. He grabbed my Whole Foods reusable bag from my grip and carried the groceries into the kitchen, where he started preparing chili.

I poured myself a glass of red wine and sat on the couch and queued up that day's episode of Dr. Phil on the TiVo (Fine. I watch it. Whatever.) With the change of seasons it was getting dark earlier, but Christopher had already turned on the living room lamps. I kicked off my shoes and burried my toes in the shaggy carpet and took a sip of wine. I looked around. My apartment felt cozy for the first time ever.

Christopher's been sneaking the "love" word into his language. Lying in bed one night, he asked why I loved him. The next week we were crawling into bed and he mumbled as much as he loved me, something or other. Frankly I never heard what he said following that.

I've been through this before in my last relationship. He would insert it in sentences—even just say it—and I was convinced it was because he couldn't hide his true feelings from me. So I made the grand official announcement first and it blew up in my face.

So, not this time, buddy. I'm not falling for that twice.

Until... until I slipped into bed last night and Christopher tucked the sheets around me as he made pillow talk. He made a (bad) joke, then stopped.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"Do you love me?" he asked again.

I held my breath. As much as I love things about him and love spending time with him, I just am not at a place where I could love him. It's still a bit early and so far, we've been taking things slowly.

I viscerally stammered. "Hm, wh- eh, huh... do you?" I eventually worked out while removing the responsibilty from myself.

"Huh?"

"Do you?" I repeated meekly.

"I meant, 'Do you love the way I act?'" Christopher got serious. "Sarah, that is a heavy word," he lectured.

"I know it is," I agreed, relieved.

"No, I don't love you," he answered.

"Gee, thanks," I nervously laughed. Just because I'm not ready to feel it and say it, doesn't mean I don't want to hear it. No one wants to hear she's not loved. Especially that way. If I had been forced to answer the question, I would have gone with Almost or Give me a little more time or at the very least Not yet. Never I don't love you.

And the inner girl in me is screaming, Then why did you ask? and HOW ELSE CAN YOU TRANSLATE 'DO YOU LOVE ME' ?

8 comments:

Dawn said...

My first reaction to this was: "Hey! That was so not fair of him to do that!"

And then it hit me clear as day: He didn't want to be the first one to say it either.

Keep on keeping on. You'll both get there if you want to get there.

PS. Your posts are lagging on Google Reader. In fact, two days later, this one is still not showing up but I "sensed" that I was missing something and came to check and -- ta da! -- there is a post. Just Google Reader doesn't know it yet.

Dawn said...

And 30 minutes after I wrote that -- but still two days late -- it showed up in Google Reader. :)

Breeza said...

It didn't show up in my google reader until today either.
Sorry he said it like that. But he's a guy and there's not always tactful. xx

MamaBear said...

also, as dawn alluded, he's insecure too. shock. and i agree with her assessment.

ps i don't use google reader, but i felt obligated to mention it.

TexInTheCity said...

I don't have you on my Google Reader (yes, if all of the cool kids mentioned Google Reader than I will too). You are on my tool bar.

Oh and I agree with Dawn :-)

Tricia said...

I think he was scared of being the first to utter the L wOrd

Blue soup said...

I see what the others are saying about his being scared to say the L word first, but it was still unfair of him. In fact, when I read it, I felt angry on your behalf and, had you not written so highly of him previously, may have thought he was playing games with you, that he was subtly knocking you down and eroding your confidence so that you would feel needy. A bit like S, but done in a more intelligent way.

Even though he probably meant no harm, if I were you Iwould pull him up on it and tell him it wasn't acceptable behaviour. He may not love you (horrible as it is to hear) but that doesn't mean he shouldn't care about whether his actions or words hurt you.

As for googlereader, it's the 9th and only just showed up on mine x

Lpeg said...

I agree with BlueSoup - if you had not written so highly about him, I would've thought him an ass. I think he doesn't want to be the first to say it, but the way he went about it was rather cruel. I think you'll both get there, he just went the wrong way about asking.

Oh, and I get email updates when you post, and a long while back, I got updates for GirlDatesLondon. Yesterday I received an email notifying me of a post she wrote January 18, 2008....WEIRD

I have no idea what was up with that, and I rather hope she is coming back!

 

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