Last night I came home from work, unlocked my apartment door, and was greeted by Christopher, who just didn't make it home Sunday night. All 3 minutes away. He grabbed my Whole Foods reusable bag from my grip and carried the groceries into the kitchen, where he started preparing chili.
I poured myself a glass of red wine and sat on the couch and queued up that day's episode of Dr. Phil on the TiVo (Fine. I watch it. Whatever.) With the change of seasons it was getting dark earlier, but Christopher had already turned on the living room lamps. I kicked off my shoes and burried my toes in the shaggy carpet and took a sip of wine. I looked around. My apartment felt cozy for the first time ever.
Christopher's been sneaking the "love" word into his language. Lying in bed one night, he asked why I loved him. The next week we were crawling into bed and he mumbled as much as he loved me, something or other. Frankly I never heard what he said following that.
I've been through this before in my last relationship. He would insert it in sentences—even just say it—and I was convinced it was because he couldn't hide his true feelings from me. So I made the grand official announcement first and it blew up in my face.
So, not this time, buddy. I'm not falling for that twice.
Until... until I slipped into bed last night and Christopher tucked the sheets around me as he made pillow talk. He made a (bad) joke, then stopped.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
"Do you love me?" he asked again.
I held my breath. As much as I love things about him and love spending time with him, I just am not at a place where I could love him. It's still a bit early and so far, we've been taking things slowly.
I viscerally stammered. "Hm, wh- eh, huh... do you?" I eventually worked out while removing the responsibilty from myself.
"Do you?" I repeated meekly.
"I meant, 'Do you love the way I act?'" Christopher got serious. "Sarah, that is a heavy word," he lectured.
"I know it is," I agreed, relieved.
"No, I don't love you," he answered.
"Gee, thanks," I nervously laughed. Just because I'm not ready to feel it and say it, doesn't mean I don't want to hear it. No one wants to hear she's not loved. Especially that way. If I had been forced to answer the question, I would have gone with Almost or Give me a little more time or at the very least Not yet. Never I don't love you.
And the inner girl in me is screaming, Then why did you ask? and HOW ELSE CAN YOU TRANSLATE 'DO YOU LOVE ME' ?