I have reached the end of the Internet.
Despite being a 5.5-million person city, the only matches I'm receiving from eHarmony are either people I know in real life or 25 year olds who are "flex" matches, which means they aren't really compatible with you, but what the hell.
I opened a match last week and studied the picture for a minute. I know this guy. I dated him in 2006 when I met him off Match. I didn't write about our date, but I did refer to him as Tuna on the blog.
"Argh," I groaned as my head fell to the desk. "I've already dated you! And why are you still online dating 5 years later?!" The statement had no longer left my mouth before I realized that the same accusation also applied to me.
A couple of days later I was clicking through the profiles again. I happened upon another one that looked familiar. I slowly examined the pictures. In one, the guy was posing with a celebrity. Heh, I thought to myself. My brother's best friend is related to that celebrity. Clicked on the next picture. Now it's a picture of the guy with my brother's best friend. I checked out the name again. It turned out to be my brother's best friend's little brother who I also grew up with. I attended his Eagle Scout ceremony 15 years ago.
I have 600 open matches on eHarmony. That's the number of guys who haven't rejected me and I haven't rejected them. I can't believe that out of 600 bachelors, I can't find one where we mutually like each other. That kind of number just makes me want to give up. If I can't find someone to date out of 600 people, then maybe it's time I wave the white flag.
You win, Internets.