~Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Emotional Me

Flashback once again to that phone conversation with Harvey the night I got dumped.

"I wish I was more like Katie," I sniffed. "Guys seem to be more attracted to her energy."

"What do you like about her?" she asked.

"She's so even keeled. She never lets on that she's annoyed or angry. The minute I become unsatisfied, I announce it. It causes problems."

"There's nothing wrong with admiring a trait in other people and trying to replicate it in your own life," she said. Her voice became softer, "Maybe if you became more logical like Katie, you wouldn't get hurt so much."

Her words were meant to soothe me. Harvey, a person also ruled by logic, was trying to help me find a logical solution in her logical way. But instead it incited an emotional reaction within me.

I don't feel that my goal in life is to hurt less. I would rather take the hurt and the pain and the rejection if it meant I could also have the good things: the love and the joy and the acceptance. I believe that because I am a person who is so in touch with her feelings, I am able to love more freely than the logical person. And I would never ever wish that away.

And Katie is not without her own problems. It isn't my story to tell, but the best I can share is that she has the exact opposite problem that I have. Whereas I feel like I am too much of a personality, she feels like she isn't enough of one. She can feel anxious in social situations, hence the drinking her face off and passing out in the bar bathroom when Schmoozer initially showed interest in her.

Not to mention that I already tried the experiment of emulating the friends. I spent a week trying to be like Harvey and it blew up in my face.

I was silent on the other end of the phone with Harvey. I never responded to her "Maybe... you wouldn't get hurt so much." But I knew the answer and it surprised the hell out of me: I would rather love messily than not at all. I'd rather have my problems than somebody else's. I've never felt that way before.

So give me the heartbreak and all the pain that comes with it. Give me the tears and the running mascara and the splotchy face. Because you don't get that way if you haven't invested yourself and loved.


preciousandpriceless said...

I get it. I get both sides. Emotional and logical. Currently my logical side is prevailing to not get to emotional because right now I"m an emotional mess.

Don't change how you love. Especially if that's how you want to love. But bless Harvey's heart for trying to find something to say comforting.

soupemes said...

I 100% agree with you. In some ways, the lows amplify the highs. If everything was just so-so all the time, well, who'd give a shit?

bonda84 said...

Wonderful realization! Even the hurt and heartaches are part of the big adventure. You're Captain Kirk and Harvey and Katie are Mr. Spock. I'll take Kirk any day :)

Maura said...


Dream in Grey said...

I agree with you, maybe there are bits of Katie you can use to protect yourself but you are who you are because of what you have been through and you're pretty awesome!

MissM said...

Good on you for realizing that! Now you can go forth and embrace life for all that it is.

Me, I'm more logical. I've had enough of that emotional, hurty thing that seems like a damn waste of my time and energy. I swear I am happier with no one and more insecure and unsatisfied the second I meet someone.

2 Drink Girl said...

There is logical, and then there's "dead on the inside." You can't be logical about who you love. You can see the logic behind people's actions, but not all people are logical.

I've been the logical one where others have failed around with their illogical emotions. It rendered me useless.

I think having a knowledge in psychology is the best medium, and I think you have enough knowledge to do it better than Katie. I think Katie might just keep all the emotion inside, and people who do that instead of, say, address an issue of emotion right away, always end up paying for it.

I think your way is better.

Bathwater said...

I like the emotional too. Even if it gets me in trouble and has to be controlled. Emotion makes for passion which makes for life.

breezyallatsea said...

To thine own self, be true! :)

Je m'appelle Danielle said...

Katie is logical in a sense that she doesn't show her cards. That's what I'm getting about her. It seems like she is somewhat closed off, I've been there and it isn't all its cracked up to be.

I personally try to not show when I am upset or angry because I don't want people to think I am throwing a fit, because in reality I am. And it hurt my feelings when people kept saying I was negative. Fuck them! hahaha

nuttycow said...

What you have to remember is, much like one shouldn't try to change the man they're with, we shouldn't have to change ourselves to get what we want.

The right person will be out there somewhere and, cliche as it sounds, he'll like you for you!

Syd said...

I've got a Katie also. Well, a friend who recently lost a ton of weight, and is adjusting in the dating world. In the past, she had/has low self esteem because of her weight, and a lot of those issues are still carrying over for her. She is easygoing/mellow with guys because she doesn't want to rock the boat, I guess. ANYWAY - I can't do that. I really think you have to put yourself out there, otherwise you run the risk of having a really nice relationship, but nothing that rocks your socks off, if that makes sense.

Syd said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaime said...

I am the exact same way. Your post rang so true for me. I'm going through something right now and I'm spending far too much time crying, thinking and feeling, and it hurts. But even at the end of a day like that, I take comfort knowing that for better or for worse, I love with everything I have.
I sometimes envy the way friends can handle things seemingly better than me, but I know that my way is just who I am, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't get so emotionally invested. I figure that eventually it will work to my advantage. :)

Toddy said...

Hmmm...I dont know. I've loved like that. Messily. And its, well, um, messy. And heartbreaking. And only maybe worth it. Theres a couple of lines from a Jason Biggs movie "Loser" which is sort of lame but a guilty pleasure romantic comedy nonetheless that goes like this: "l may actually turn out to be one of those lucky people." "What lucky people?" "You know couples that stay together because...they feel they can't do better?""there's this microscopically teeny group of lucky people....who get to be with the person they're madly in love with.""You ever consider being in love and leaving out the ''madly'' part?""Well, what's the fun in that?" Food for thought. Personally, after all the heartbreak I'm kinda liking my current guy who works hard, treats me well, plays no games, no drama, likes me. Its not always EXCITING EXCITING EXCITING. He's not perfect. Its not always passionate and loving MADLY. But its loving sanely. Still love. No mess. Its when you let yourself love a nice guy and let him finish first. Cheers, T.

Amanda @ Wild Oats said...

I'm pretty sure that the only way I know how to love is messily . . .

Anonymous said...

Right on. If I wore mascara more often I'd have it running down my face, too.


Tomas Nomas said...

Black Baby's gonna make you smile
Black Baby's gonna stay a while
Black Baby sings your a song
Black Baby never passes the bong

wanderingmenace said...

I love your last paragraph.
Runny mascara, blotchy face, runny nose...
I've been there. I love that way too.
Better than not putting yourself out there. :)


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