~Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Secrets & Lies

I received an email from The Leader. He announced that after a five-month hiatus, kickball was starting up soon. The email enclosed my team invitation.

I wavered. Abraham is playing during the week in one league; I would be playing on the weekends in another. If I signed up, I would be booking my weekends through all of spring. I was in a relationship now. Did I want to be unavailable every Saturday? No. Not really.

What if, I considered. What if I were single? Would I hesitate about playing kickball on the weekends? Not at all. I'd be excited about it. So I clicked on the link and entered my credit card information. I'm not going to change because I'm in a relationship.


Abraham had chosen to play dodgeball during the winter. I swore off that sport after last year what with the balls to the face and the almost fighting. I wished him good luck, but I did pick a game to come watch him.

Afterward we headed to our team bar. The usual suspects were there: The Leader, members of different kickball teams I had played with over the seasons. The difference was that this is the first time we were out as a couple; I hadn’t been to the bar since Abraham’s birthday.

The very first time I spoke to Abraham at the bar, there was a tall boy standing next to him. The tall boy aided him in providing me Abraham’s fake name. The tall boy was there again this night.

“Hey, man. I hope I didn’t cock block you that one night,” he told Abraham.

Abraham nodded to me. “You didn’t,” he smiled.

I was less sly. “That’s my boyfriend!” I laughed while pointing to Abe standing in the corner.

The one thing I forgot that was with kickball comes kickball drama. It had been a very calm five months. Within minutes one girl was updating me on the gossip. Some of my own had surfaced that afternoon.

Buzz. Text from Abraham, So I broke the news to Statham’s Ex that we’re together. She still isn’t a fan of yours, but she said she just wants me to be happy.

Squeak. I forgot about that when we were in our cocoon. I forgot about the whole mess. Me sleeping with Statham, whom Abraham knows. The ex-girlfriend hating me... and playing on Abraham’s team. I had told him out of respect for her I wouldn’t play on his team.

He’s always been a little confused as to why she hates me so much. I told him this story, in which I talked about her without knowing she was sitting across from me at the table.

And now back at the bar, after almost six good months with Abraham, that old storyline is getting a little too close to comfort. The Leader is sitting next to me, shaking the ice cubes in his highball glass and once again regaling me with stories from the good old days when he slept with everyone. Somehow Statham’s Ex is brought up, and The Leader tells me her sexual past within the group.

My name could very easily be substituted for Statham’s Ex in a conversation at the bar one night. I wondered if it would destroy my relationship if Abraham found out he was Eskimo brothers with Statham. What if he found out from someone who wasn’t me? I grew anxious at the idea.

In bed Abraham and I spooned. He asked what I was talking to The Leader about. Statham’s Ex. Between Abraham telling her about us and The Leader, I just couldn’t get that girl’s name out of my mouth that day. He asked for the gossip.

Somewhere in my story about The Leader, Abraham grimaces. I hit a nerve. I rewind names I had been saying. Names I didn’t know, but were spun in The Leader’s stories. “That one? Is that your ex from kickball?” I asked.

“Yes,” he whined. “I didn’t know that she was with The Leader too. She was crazy. I am not proud of that time of my life.” He laid on his side and wrapped his arms around me. “Don’t you have any stories?” he asked. “Any stories about exes?”

I had been specifically been avoiding this topic. Oh, just pick a reason: S, Christopher, Statham. None of them make me look good. But I knew. This was my opening to tell him about Statham. I didn’t want him finding out from anybody else, and he was asking.

“Well,” I began. “There may be another reason Statham’s Ex doesn’t like me.”

Abraham got quiet. “Yeah?”

“He made a move on me, and she found out.”

“He made a move?” Abraham wanted more information.

“And we kind of messed around.”

“Define ‘messed around.’”

I squeaked and buried my head in his chest. Abraham never moved his arms from me.


“It’s okay. Just tell me.”

“We slept together.” Only it was really muffled with my face pressed against his chest, so it sounded like, “Me wept smether.”

“What?” he asked genuinely confused. “You slept together?”

“Mesh.” Yes.

“Were they broken up?


“How many times?”

“Twice in one week and then never again.”

“That’s okay,” he comforted. “It happened before we knew each other. Anything that happened before us doesn’t count.”

I still didn’t move from his chest. I was horrified. I wanted to be a good girlfriend. I didn’t want Abraham to have to deal with my drama.

“I’m still here, okay? Nothing changes,” he said. Oh god, could he be any more understanding? I laid in shame.

“Wait,” he said. I was waiting for it. I knew what he was going to say. “You told me that you hadn’t been with anyone from kickball.”

I lied. I had lied to Abraham and told him this when we first got together. It wasn’t any of his business then. The whole incident with Statham is still more or less a closely guarded secret.

Still not looking at him, I nodded my head.

Abraham was more upset about the lie then he was about the sex. Now he doubted everything. “Just Statham? How do I know now?”

“Just Statham. I swear.”

“What about Clemson?”

“We never even kissed.” I raised both my hands in the air. “I swear.”

We paused. “Are you mad?” I asked.

“No. Just disappointed you lied.”

Ughhh. Worst response ever. “I never lie.” I pleaded. And I never do, except when I did this one time. “I never lie because I’m terrible at it and I never get away with it. You want to know my tell? I smile or laugh when I lie.”

“But you always smile and laugh,” he said confused.

“Not my normal smile. You already know the difference between my real smile and my fake smile. I’m even bad at fake smiling.”

“Is there anything else I should know?”

Well this is the perfect in to tell him about S, but I wasn't going to. I couldn't tell him about the Statham mess and S in the same conversation. I couldn't do it. It was too much for me.

“There's ex-boyfriend dirt, but I'm not going to tell you.” I said.

“What ex-boyfriend dirt?” He wanted to know more.

“I don't want to tell you.” There was a long pause. “I lived with a boy once,” I disclosed. It was a big detail and the only one I could manage to tell.


“I moved out in 2008? 2009?”

Abraham paused. “If it doesn't have to do with kickball , then I don't need to know,” he finally said. “Anything that happened before us doesn’t count.”

I liked that philosophy.

Abraham was placated. In the grand scheme of things, lying about someone I slept with before I even met Abraham wasn’t insurmountable. He got over it within minutes.


A new email from The Leader appeared in my inbox. It was the final list of the team. Clemson is now on my team. So is Statham if he signed up.

I tried to tell Abraham about my team. I never even got Statham’s name out. “I don’t want to hear about that guy!” he growled. I’ve never heard Abraham growl.

Swell. This will make for an interesting Spring.


Lilly said...

Those two are old news, right? So they no longer count! Go to the first game with a clear conscience and your head held high. Better that you and Abraham had that conversation when you did, it would have been harder after finding out they were on your team and you commenced to playing with them. And I think that the time will come when you'll know it's the right moment to talk about the other, like it did here. If all his other behaviors and responses that we've been privy to are any indication, he'll handle it much better in real life than all the ways your mind can imagine it going horribly wrong.

Anonymous said...

Fingers crossed for no drama.

Anonymous said...

Good for you for being honest. Show Abe you're honest. There is no worse feeling for a guy than wondering if you can trust your girlfriend or not.

Danielle said...

Just don't get pulled into the kickball after match drama and you should be good. Its the he said/she said bullshit that gets people in trouble, well and not trusting.

I think if he asks about the ex-boyfriend dirt later, then you either need to summarize it, or just say that you don't want to talk about it right at that moment, but that you will tell him. I don't think that he would react badly if you were to tell him about it.

Anonymous said...

Well your blog will keep me reading for sure! But I'm glad Abe has a good head on his shoulders. It doesn't count.

D said...

You're being honest with yourself and that's what's most important. You know how much you can handle and when. I think you're doing an amazing job!!

Me said...

I am surprised that christopher has never come up to be honest. We are all a sum of our experiences and he had such a huge impact on you.

JulesDTD said...

It doesn't count (and I'm glad he recognized that!) but he probably will always be jealous of any guy you've dated or hooked up with. Same probably goes if the situation was reversed...it's just hard being faced with the past of someone you are currently with!

Miss Devylish said...

I went back and read why the girl disliked you for what you said.. however, it seems her ex is the one who didn't seem to be tactful and he did it on purpose to throw you under the bus. Regardless, water under the bridge and you're right it was none of A's business at the time. Good for you for talking tho and for him being patient.. Glad you're happy.. xo


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