Someone made a joke Saturday night and I'm 99.8% sure the joke was aimed at Abraham and not at me. But still it hit a sensitive topic: our beginning. Our beginning in which he was slow moving and I was inexplicably patient.
Two or three frozen margaritas and a gin and tonic later and we're laying in his bed, away from the person who made the joke.
"Did I pressure you to be with me?" I asked.
"What?"
I adjusted myself in his sheets. The lights of his room were still on. "Did I pressure you? Because I flirted with you at the bar, and I made myself available to you, and I was here when you weren't sure."
"I'm a grown man who can make my own decisions," he said simply.
Free will. Oh yeah. Right. I didn't really consider that. I acted as if I had some super power that I had cast over him, absolving him from accountability.
The answer had satisfied me for the most part, but I still protested in circles.
"I love you. And you are overthinking things," he tried again. "Things are easy between us. It doesn't have to be complicated."
It's what I needed to hear to snap me out of it. He said the word "easy." It's the one thing so ingrained in me that I have to work hard to overcome it. I'm not used to easy. I don't trust easy. In my life, love never came easy.
We don't fight, a normal occurrence in healthy relationships, and I question it.
If it's easy, it isn't real.
"My father left when I was really little," I admitted quietly. It was the first time I spoke of any kind of fear. "What if you change your mind?"
Abraham sighed. "There are no guarantees. But I have no intention of changing my mind. I don't know what happened to you to make you doubt easy—and I'm sorry those things happened to you—but I love you and I'm here."
As he said this I burst into tears and cried in a way he hasn't seen me cry. I've usually gotten away with the one tear that folds over the lashes and silently slips down the cheek, but this, this was the ugly cry. My face crumpled into itself like Popeye.
Because he's right. He doesn't know. He doesn't know about S, but he knows something had happened that causes me to feel timid and unsure at times. Something happened that makes me think about things really carefully so I don't choose the same decisions I've made in the past.
To be honest, I don't trust him with that information. People who have healthy relationships their entire lives can't imagine the horrors of unhealthy ones, specifically why good people tolerate them. I don't want to have to explain to him my role in an unhealthy relationship. How years ago, I wasn't ready for Abraham.
But what I heard him say to me was that it was okay. Maybe the specifics aren't needed. It doesn't affect my day-to-day life, instead flaring like a flash in the pan. The tears were gone as quickly as they came.
"Does it matter how I got to you? How twisty the road was to you?
"No."
I believe him. It will be okay.
12:03 PM
3 weeks ago
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13 comments:
love it-his responses are simple and honest. trust is hard. as you said, you weren't ready for him years ago-you have learnt and grown and now have found him
It sounds unconditional, so even if you ever decide to share that info, he will be there.
he's good. like, really good. like- write his words on a post-it for your computer, night-stand, and bathroom mirror good.
I'm not used to "easy" either. I'm used to hopes being dashed, and feeling demoralized. It's nice to see you get a really nice, healthy, loving relationship - you did the work, and were brave enough to put yourself out there again.
He's a keeping keeper! I understand how hard it must be to trust, or even allow yourself to relax, so still take things slowly in your heart, I'd say, but it looks all good from where we are sitting xx
I am so not used to easy, I'm uneasy with easy going honest communication. Its hard to believe. Although, I must admit, things with the new guy I'm seeing are easy, and I remember some of your beginning blog posts about just taking each day as it is and trying to feel lucky that we are in each others lives.
There is no in stone certainty that anyone will be together, trust takes time. But Abe kept you near him, even when you exorcist vomited in his bathroom at the beginning. Just keep that in mind.
Wow, our relationships are very similar. Sometimes I wonder the same thing - if I pushed too hard after Le Chef - and he jokes that I stood there and made him kiss me on our second date. But then he sums it up like Abraham. He wouldn't be here if he didn't want to be.
And that's enough. He's here. It's easy. And that's enough.
I think its okay to share everything yet, wait until you are ready and the time is right. He knows something has happened, so you arne't lying to him.
Easy...What must that be like?
I've just found Easy again. And it's wonderful :)
He loves you for real. Maybe you need to change your blog name now :)
I love Abe. He's wonderful. You're wonderful. Two wonderful people found each other. <3
I'm late to this party, but this post and many of your posts hit close to home for me.
There's a song that my boyfriend introduced me to that I think fits your love life (based on what I've read thus far) as well. It's "our" song, so to speak, as my boyfriend has had a rough road of it too. Don't know if you are a fan of country, but it's called "Bless the Broken Road." I've heard it by the Rascal Flatts and another solo singer whose name escapes me.
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