Girlfriends, Part 2

Conor had his head in the fridge and grabbed another beer. "Hey, que Sarah Sarah!" he called out. He's been calling me that for years. "Come sit."

It felt late. A few people were strumming on guitars. A few were asleep, including Conor's girlfriend. I introduced them when Conor and I were dating. Conor and I listened to the guitars for a few minutes. He looked over at Caroline sleeping on the couch and turned back to look at me.

"I have a secret to tell you."

I looked from Caroline to him, "Omigod, you're getting engaged."

"No!"

I gasped, "You got her pregnant! You're having a baby!"

"No! I can't tell you here."

"I wanna know."

He got up and gestured for me to follow. We went into his other roommate's bedroom. He told me to close the door and I did.

"Caroline has been getting mad at me for no reason a lot lately."

"Yeah, well girls do that when they're unhappy about something. So what's your secret?"

"You don't know it already?" He began to look uncomfortable.

"No," I nervously laughed.

"I've told you this before." He looked even more embarrassed.

I thought about it for a minute. A couple of years ago, Conor got drunk and told me he loved me. He said he loved me when we were together and that he still did. That was before Caroline. I didn't know for sure if this was what he was going to tell me or not, so I decided to play dumb. Besides, I liked watching him squirm.

Conor got up from where we were sitting and went over to his roommate's computer. He clicked around for a minute and Blue October's "Hate Me" began to play.

"This song reminds me of you. I can't listen to it without thinking of you. It's the type of music you used to listen to while we were together."

"I do like this song."

"How long ago did we date?"

I really had to think about it, "Four years ago, I think. I was 21 and you were 23."

"That sounds about right. Four years. It's been four years." He began laughing and covered his face up. "You know, the only reason we're not still together is because we both belonged in straitjackets during that period in our lives."

While I didn't exactly agree with the way he put it-- that I belonged in a straitjacket-- I did have to agree that I wasn't a very stable person back then. I had just gotten out of a very serious relationship. Conor introduced me to whisky and pot, neither of which I've had before. He and I had dreams back then. I was going to move to NYC that August and work at one of the eight publishing houses up there. Conor was... I don't remember his dream anymore, only that he had one. Those were the best days of my life. In photo albums, it's the period where I look the happiest.

"Hate Me" ended and I heard Bryan singing one of his songs through the bedroom door. I liked it.

"Ugh, I hate it when Bryan sings!" growled Conor. "He's almost deaf and you can totally tell. That better not be my guitar he's playing!"

"You know it is."

Conor huffed and sank lower, "I know."

"So what's your secret?"

"You already know it!"

"No I don't!"

"I told you and you were so happy!"

"I don't remember!"

"I can't believe you forgot."

"What is it?"

Conor was squirming so hard right now. He was playing with a piece of chain maille and had taken it off his head and covered his face with it.

Here it goes. This is when Conor tells me he still loves me. I could never be with him again, but I need to hear this. After Nick, Bryan, Christopher, Andy, and BDB, I need to hear this. I need to know there is hope for me.

"Que Sarah Sarah," Conor sighed into the chain maille, "You gave the best head I ever had."

If I could make things like this up, I'd quit my job immediately and would start writing novels.

I jumped up. "Are you serious?" I screamed. "That's it?! That's why you pulled me in here!?"

"It's been four years!" he half-laughed. "I can't forget you. You were the best."

I pointed at the closed door. "You have a girlfriend in there!"

"I know! I know!" He fell over with his face pressed into the couch where I used to be sitting. "She's not as good as you."

"Well I could have told you that, Conor." I stomped out of the bedroom.

Conor followed me out, calling after me, "I think we can be together forever, Sarah! We're like Jerry and Elaine, only not fictional!"

The party was mostly broken up by now. Caroline was nowhere to be found. I stepped outside to see if I could see her truck; it was not there. In the kitchen Bryan and a boy I went to school with leaned against the counter and were in a debate on new grammar rules. It was late and I wanted my leaky apartment. I left.