~Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Drink, Drank, Drunk


What can I say about Scott's drinking? It's seamless. I don't notice how much he drinks until the next morning when I'm taking out the trash before I go to work. He gets up for a cigarette, and opens a new beer. Another cigarette, another beer.

I knew we were drinking a lot back when we first started dating. It's my M.O. to get tanked on the first date. But it's also my M.O. to all but stop drinking once I'm in a relationship. I don't need it to calm my nerves anymore. I'm no longer constantly second guessing myself; I'm no longer damning myself. When I reached that point with Scott, I was still in the pattern of buying the cases of beer. Only now I would consume maybe three of them. Because I had severely slowed down my alcohol intake, I told Scott I wasn't buying the beer anymore. And I haven't since that day. My checking account bounced back into the black, and I was back on budget with my finances.

But I also stopped noticing that there was at least a 12-pack of beer circulating through the house every day. Another cigarette, another beer.

Then one morning, I saw a bottle of Jaeger when I went to tie up the trash. Usually I know when he brings a bottle home, but somehow I stopped noticing that too. He's so seamless. He said the Jaeger would enable him to drink less beer. But the Jaeger changes him in ways the beer does not. The only times Scott would ever yell at me or talk down to me was when I saw the little green bottle on top of the trash the next morning:

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"It's the only way to get you to understand! I would say something and you don't react. I have to yell for you to get it!"

"So I bring it on myself? I deserve to get yelled at?" I learned there really is no point in trying to reason with a drunk person.

When we hung out with my friends, we would always have to leave early because Scott got too drunk. We did it when we met M-Joy, we did it at the Beer Olympics, and we had to do it at Friendsgiving.

Not to mention the drunk peeing. Things of mine Scott's drunkenly peed on, in order:

  1. The couch
  2. The bed
  3. The shower
  4. The laundry hamper
  5. The oven
The shower was the easiest to clean up, and the laundry hamper was full of his clothes, not mine. The bed was the worst. This was in my old apartment. He got up and went home. I ran down the hall after him screaming, "What about me?" I just got peed on and I couldn't sleep in my bed anymore until everything had been washed. The oven was the weirdest, especially since I was awake watching TV and watched him do it.

So I made the decision. No more liquor. I sat down with him at dinner one night and I told him 30 days—starting that day, November 17th—no liquor. He could have his beer, but the liquor changes him.

"What if I don't agree to this?" he asked.

"Then I'm going to seriously think about this relationship," I retorted.

"What? You're going to leave me?"

"Yes." I said it, but I wasn't sure I could do it. I just wanted him to think I meant it.

"I refuse to lose you over alcohol. 30 days," he agreed.

And, to cover my ground, I also told his sister Thanksgiving day of our deal.

"Good!" she said. "But why just 30 days? Why not for good?"

"I was hoping it would lead to that."

"You know, he doesn't need to drink. At all." After she said it, it became official. Every single member of his family has now pulled me aside and told that to me. They all ask me under their breaths if he's drinking and tell me he doesn't need to do it. I smile and say I'm watching him, but I wonder why his family is putting this onto me. Why are they making it my responsibility? We're not married. Scott is their son, nephew, and brother—why don't they tell him themselves?

I already know the answer to that: they already have and they're hoping I'll be able to make the difference.


Anonymous said...

If I were you, I wouldn't expect him to break a pattern like that without some professional help. People who drink a lot need structure to stop. Good luck.

kristin b said...

this is my brother. every last word. he just becomes this evil person when he's been drinking liquor. i hate that. but how do you make it stop? it sounds like you're definitely on the right track.

Tilly said...

Yes, good luck indeed. As I am sure you are aware, he needs to want to change in order for changes to take place. But it sounds like he wants you more than anything else, and that is a good place to start. IMHO.

SuvvyGirl said...

I hope this goes well for you. I have a good friend that won't listen to anybody. He got bad enough even his older brother whom drinks A LOT talked to him. Now that's bad. But Scott can do this and I hope he does. Also remember that no matter what some people might say, it does not mean he's a bad person.

Me said...

That sounds like a real problem....I am sorry....this is a tough thing to go through, sweety....

Beer yes, liquor no?

If he's an alcoholic that won't fly.....but I hope he can get it in check. :)

Lpeg said...

Goodluck with that. I hope it works!! It sounds like you mean more to him than that, so maybe you can work your magic!

Paige Jennifer said...

Yeah, color me intolerant but unless you walk on all fours and have cute floppy ears, you pee in one and only one place - the toilet (just in case I needed to be clear).

I'm not going to pass judgment. I'm not going to point and sneer (at him). I'm just going to say you deserve better than a drunk who pees in the oven.

And if I've learned but one thing in my old age, it's this - if I want to make a change about what I do or who I am, I have to do it for myself. Otherwise, it'll never stick.

>*;* said...

I think if it was as easy as that.. there would be a lot less alchohlics in the world.

I've told Teddybear time and time again I wouldn't get drunk and yet I still do it. Even though I know it could eventually lead to me losing him.

Although I will say... it sounds like Scott has a much more serious issue than I. Point is... I can't "just stop" he's not going to be able to either.

Maybe he needs to find some A/A group for support, it sounds like he's in this pretty deep.

WiscoBlonde said...

I agree with anon....this might be something to support him through but let professionals handle.

londongirl said...

blimey. It certainly sounds like he's got an issue with liquor. Good on you for taking a stand.

nicole said...

this is how my ex was (well, not the frequency, but the behavior). up to a certain point, he was fine with how he acted when drinking. but whenever he crossed that drunk line, he would start to get mean. to where i just didn't even want to be around him when he was going to get that drunk. cause we'd always end up fighting. cause he couldn't be reasoned with, and always thought he was right.

(i'm doing well, by the way. i started blogging on a different site more often, and sadly have been neglecting this one)

T.J. said...

Sarah...I'm proud of you and for taking a stand. I had a pee-er once too...on the wall in the hallway, of course in the bed..and the meanness the would occur after liquor. I'm sure he's peeing in some other girls bed now...and that's okay. I know you love him..but remember that you are a smart, successful person that doesn't deserve to be treated poorly..ever.

Eileen Dover said...

I'm proud of you for taking a stand, but it scares me he's doing this *now*. What about in the future? It's going to be your issue even more then.

Fingers crossed it all works well... for some its food, others its gambling, porn, cigarettes, you name it. Some days I wonder if you just have to suffer with the lesser of all the evils... but there are those with incredibly addictive personalities, and in my experience, those with alcohol addiction are kind of the hardest to break.

Anonymous said...

Keep us in the loop. I'm thinking about you. Check into Al-Anon. And just know that we're supporting you and Scott.

Bexxie said...

The pee thing is gross! How does one get THAT drunk?

Prepare for the battle Sarah .. it's not going to be an easy ride.

Good luck :o)

Anonymous said...

You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you. You were so excited and proud to have your new place all on your own. It seems like the only thing you are hanging on to with this guy is that he wants to marry you in the future not that you are head over heels in love with him. As sad as it seems you need to move on. He needs to clean up his act for himself on his own. You can support him by not enabling him and moving on with your own life. Good luck to you and hopefully you make the right choices for you. This really comes out of concern and not meanness.

Treacle said...

Wow Sarah, its nearly 30 days if it started on 17th November...how has it been? I agree with those suggesting professional help might also be useful in this case and also...make sure you have a support network of people that will simply love and care for you rather than pass judgement.

PS. My ex-boyfriend peed on someone else's laundry basket whilst drunk once when we were staying over...sooooo embarrassing the next day!

AmyD said...

Fuck. This sucks...I'm so sorry to hear this, because now it IS your responsibility. How have the past 25 days gone without the liquor? Is he doing OK? I wasn't really worried until I read about the peeing on things and the family concern. Good luck and stick with it. I'm proud of you for bringing it up and asking him to check himself. He's lucky to have you!

Anonymous said...

it is not your responsibility. it is his.
get out.

general_boy said...

Oh fuck. I have to say this really came out of left field. I would honestly have to say I don't know a single person who has endured that sort of behaviuor from anything other than a pet. Let alone one that has gone on to forge a happy, healthy and stable relationship with someone capable of that ( wizzing in the bed ). I really, genuinely wish you luck Sarah - but I also hope you take good care of yourself. It's important. :)


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