~Thursday, October 29, 2009

Letters

This is the letter I wrote in therapy that my therapist encouraged me to mail to him.


Dear S,

This is not going to be the same kind of letter you wrote me. I don't think you understand how horrible you made me feel. You would come home from work very arrogant, armed with evidence of your co-workers' and family's opinions about me, and you would tell me I was weak. I would beg you not to air our problems at work, and you told me work was your family (and essentially more important because you chose to tell them instead of honoring me). And I guess I was weak, because not only did I let you tell me I was nothing, but I believed you. I honestly felt this was as good as it gets and I didn't deserve more from a partner.

You write you're sorry. That you couldn't tell me the truth because I wouldn't love you anymore. My therapist (who has worked with both of your rehab facilities) says that anything after "I'm sorry, but..." is B.S. According to the 12 Steps, you are not to make excuses, and you are certainly not to place the blame on me. And the thing that gets me is not that you were never honest, it's that you continue to lie.

I know that you didn't "graduate" from Uxxxx. You up and quit. Your father called them and spoke to them. And my therapist says Sx is not related to Uxxxx, so it isn't the next step in the program like you said. You called me from Gxxxx Hospital and never told me you were there for your tooth; I had to find that out from your old counselor, making me look like an idiot. And he confirmed to your family that you never had "the flu/pneumonia," but chest congestion. It makes me think that you haven't learned anything. He already told me you weren't doing the program at the old place.

And when are you going to be really honest with me? You act like drinking a case of beer a day was some big revelation, but when are you going to admit about the CRACK? I know, S. I'm sure there is more I don't know, but I know about the crack. And your family does too. It all makes sense now: the constant muggings, your inability to control your bowel movements (crack is cut with laxatives; I've gotten quite an education since I left), the disappearing money you would accuse me of taking, my money you took, and my things you pawned. Not in the name of alcohol. In the name of crack. Your alcoholism is an excuse and a cover up for your crack use. I know what all those beer cans hidden in the bathroom are really for. And when I think about how long I've been finding those cans, I am physically sickened. You stole my car, smoked crack, defecated your pants and then drove home. It makes me feel disgust, rage and unforgiveness.

The fact that you continue to lie to everyone around you makes me think you congratulate yourself for your deceit. You think you are so smart for being able to cover up your crack use while living with someone as straight-laced as me. I am a good person, S, and I did not deserve to be put through that. I have to live with the fact that I lived with someone for years and never really knew him.

I also don't think you understand the effect your lying has on others. You think all you are doing is protecting yourself, but you also really hurt others. You would tell me the things I believed were not real. That the truth was not real. It made me feel crazy. Because of your chronic lying, I was taught not to trust myself. This is what happens when someone has a feeling and we're told it's wrong or inappropriate. Or when we confront a lie or inconsistency and we're told we're crazy. I lost faith in that deep, important part of myself that senses truth, feels appropriate feelings, and has confidence in my ability to handle life's situations.

I believed what you told me about myself, that I was crazy and wrong. It made me think, "You're okay. You must be because you told me so. So it must be me. There must be something wrong with me." So I abandoned myself.

Do you understand? Your lies made me lose faith in me. One thing I've learned from my own therapy is that I was right in my feelings more often than I gave myself credit. I'm not as wrong as I thought I was.

The one thing that I've wanted to tell you—that I need to tell you—is that your lies and manipulation of me stop now. That's what you were doing when you called me and told me I had to decide in that instant whether I was going to speak to you again. It was emotional blackmail. And I wasn't ignoring you; I was waiting until my next therapy appointment so I would know how to respond in a healthy manner. I don't want to feel wrong anymore. But you had to have a response that moment, and when you didn't get one, you used pressure to intimidate me. That tactic will not work anymore. Unless you can approach me humbly and honestly, I don't want to have any contact with you. Even one more lie. I'm serious. I am done with the lies. And lying is a symptom outside of addiction, S. Just because you're currently sober doesn't mean you are honest. It is a character trait and a personality trait.

I'm doing well. I've learned to trust myself again. I'm standing up for myself. I'm happy. My job is secure and I love my new apartment. The Femme Fatale no longer hides under the bed and acts three years younger. I'm direct. I ask for what I want and I move on if I don't get it. I expect more from people. I'm not wasting any more time. I'm no longer going to let any man treat me the way you did. You hurt me physically, emotionally and mentally.

I gave you everything, S. My heart. My home. I supported you on several occasions after you had gotten fired from Fxxx and Cxxx. I loved you. And you threw it all away for drugs and alcohol. Not only was work more important that me, but so was crack and beer. And Erica. I sat in our apartment and watched you go out with another girl. You've already admitted to me you were trying to start a relationship with her and I am sick of you now trying to deny it. No more.

By the way, I no longer believe you found that gold earring on the floor at work and brought it home. And I no longer believe that cocaine baggie I found in your dopp kit was old. I no longer believe most of what you told me. Like we were going to get married. You had it made taking everything I had to give.

In the two years we were together, you never made a single move towards anything. Not to get your license back. Or to pay your bills. Or for us to have any semblance of a life together. But I believed in you and thought one day you would turn your life around. I believed I was that important to you. But I know better now. My leaving wasn't good enough for you to get help. You had to wait until you were squatting in an empty apartment with no power and no scooter. You were perfectly happy doing what you wanted and living in squalor.

You choked me. You lied to me. You took swings and me and you bloodied my nose with a book. You write you're sorry, but you never acknowledge any detail, instead just providing a blanket apology. A one-size-fits-all fix-it. I deserve better than all of this, S. I know that now too.

Sarah

This is the e-mail I received from him yesterday.

i received your letter the other day and i have to admit i laughed but i guess you expected that. look i did alot of really stupid shit under the influence of alcohol and drugs. the reason i contacted you when i went into treatment was to appolgize for the things i did to you and us. now i realize how you feel and all of the sudden your completely right and i was wrong for everything. yeah when hell freezes over. my therapist has told me you were just as stupid as i was and i have to agree this time. good luck on your life from here on out because you will need it! and FUCK YOU and your family and i hope you don't see any of mine because it won't be pretty, good day you waste of life!

35 comments:

Lauri said...

Wow - seems like he's really progressing in whatever program he's in...NOT...he sure is a waste of space if I ever saw one....just has to have the last word - the final FUCK YOU...too bad he has to continue to live in his fucked up mind..that'll never change, but you - Sarah - you've moved on and are now pretty damn happy - that's the best revenge I know....good for you...

Lauri said...

oh and if his therapist really said that, then they're either not worth a shit or he lying to them about the circumstances....I vote option B...what a tool...

gekkogirl said...

I don't need to add to anything that Lauri said already... except... you are awesome, he knows it and I think you do too. Xx

Kelly said...

Wow...and he STILL continues to lie...lie...lie...there is NO way that his therapist would say that...unless he lied to the therapist or lied about what the therapist said to him. Hell...he prolly isn't even SEEING a therapist...

It's hard to see what truth he could actually speak.

You are stronger then I could ever be.

Lpeg said...

Oh. My. God. What an arrogant piece of shit.

I wanted to take my monitor and chuck it after I read his response. Just. Wow. There are no words to that response.

I am so happy that you finally got out and away from him, and just look - you've got a really sweet boyfriend now :)

dont eat the token said...

I hope you feel okay after getting that heinous email back from him. Your letter was quite courageous. I think what this proves now is how much better you are than him in terms of health and well-being. You can now clearly see how little he cares and that he can't hurt you any more!

He's defending himself instead of being brave. Please don't let his words hurt you, he isn't speaking to you out of care, concern or love. This is a terrible experience you've gone through but it's made you strong, and helped countless others along the way (thank you for sharing online here).

XOXO

breezyallatsea said...

Wow, what a brave and great letter you wrote. I'm glad you did that. I'm so sorry you had to receive that email. He obviously is lying, probably doing drugs and is all around pathetic. And like Lauri said, he is a waste of space!

Jessica said...

Long time reader, very infrequent commenter here.

Your letter was fully appropriate, honest and very very brave. His response was juvenile, dishonest and shows he has learned nothing.

So glad that you've moved on and are in a better place now. Don't let his continuing lies and abusive behavior drag you back down with him.

meghansdiscontent said...

I read your blog constantly, but have never commented.

You *are* amazing and he is worthless. He is obviously not trying to get help or atone for his past.

Hopefully that e-mail will be the last you ever hear from him. He's not worth any more of your feelings, time or effort. You deserve - and have found - better.

AmyB said...

His angry response is basically the same as admitting that you are right about everything. He hates that you finally saw through all the bullshit, so he is trying this last time to throw just a little more your way in an attempt to throw YOU off. Thank God it won't work. I'm so happy you are free of that dead weight. You impress the hell out of me, getting through that and moving on in such a healthy way. You freaking ROCK. (((hugs)))

Erin said...

My stomach dropped when I read his response to you. You were so eloquent and honest and he is such an angry, little boy. His letter could have been written by my abusive, drug-addict ex as well. Until they are ready to change, they all speak the same language: lies.

allofme said...

I agree. There is no way his therapist would say that. He's still a lying sack of shit.

Stacey said...

I've been reading your blog through the whole saga with him, and though I never comment, in this case I wanted to echo everyone else's comments just to make sure you get enough positive reinforcement that it sticks. :) Your letter to him was totally brave and very clear, while his response is childish, pathetic, dishonest, and completely fucked up. You probably don't wish ill on him but he surely deserves it.

Paige Jennifer said...

Clearly he's making progress. He's so eloquent in his delivery, sensitive in his word choice. You can tell from his response he took the time to listen to what you had to say and responded with that in mind. Really, it brings a tear to my eye. His parents must be incredibly proud.

Speaking of proud, I'm proud of you. And isn't that all that matters in the end - YOU.

Emma said...

This might be the 2nd time I've ever commented here, maybe. But I read all your entries start to finish every time and I want you to know how much I enjoy your writing.

And what Jessica said:
"Your letter was fully appropriate, honest and very very brave. His response was juvenile, dishonest and shows he has learned nothing."

Yeah, that? 150% that.

You deserve so much better. I'm so glad you are rid of him. You are amazing and strong and don't ever let him take you down because of his selfishness.

Amber said...

The class, articulation, grace, and maturity in your letter is so beyond your years. And it's MILES from anything that Scott could ever hope to achieve. Which is sad and pathetic... but he's certainly making his own choices, like every other adult on the planet.

I'm just sorry he won't acknowledge the pain he's caused... take responsibility for his actions.

My sister was a meth addict for four years... the lying you've described here and what you've gone through with him... well, it makes my stomach turn into knots. I certainly understand what you've said... and what you haven't said here. Ashley is doing better now - thanks to God and her making her choices and taking steps to follow through on them. But those years... well, I still struggle when I see a "red flag" go up on anyone. It's a difficult and painful thing to live through.

And all you REALLY want is for them to acknowledge your thoughts/feelings, take responsibility for their actions, and start turning their life around. Every other thing they'd said, done, whatever... would cease to matter.

But they won't. The drug is too powerful, the hold too strong.

And so... you've done the best thing you possibly can do: MOVE ON. Get help to deal with what's happened, attempt to obtain closure, and make things okay for yourself again - one step at a time.

I think - and I could be totally wrong here - but, I think... it's still painful to say goodbye. It still hurts to watch their struggle, even when you finally close your eyes and turn away.

I am proud of you, Sarah. And I'm rooting for you, every step of the way! Even when I'm a slacker about commenting!

Sending big hugs your way, sweet lady!

Jaime said...

I'm a longtime reader but I don't think I've ever commented. WOW. His response made me sick to my stomach--he is such a sick person. He hasn't matured or learned anything. He is a sociopath and I'm just happy you are far away from him. Best of luck and good wishes for your continued happiness, health and success.

Jaime said...

Wanted to add--his therapist probably said something like "your ex girlfriend was in denial" or "your ex girlfriend was blind to the depths of your addiction" and it's scary that "your girlfriend was stupid" is what Scott heard. That means that all of the therapy is for nothing. He is incapable of accepting responsibility and being open to changing his behavior.

Anonymous said...

Another long time lurker here, but I'm not interesting enough keep a blog so I have to be one of those dodgy-looking anonymous commentators :-S

I just wanted to say you are wonderful! Thankyou for sharing that with us, that must have been really hard to do. Keep doing those things and seeing the people that make you truely happy, because that is what is important. Life is waay too short for fuckwittery on his epic scale anymore.

sending lots of internet love your way! J xx

J said...

You are amazing. He is a douche. The end.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm a long time reader as well as a clinical psychologist. Though I don't work with addicts, I do know that psychotherapy is not recommended while the addict is still using. To benefit, he needs to be sober/clean. Obviously, Scott is still using evidenced by his email to you.

In my professional opinion, he is a very sick person and a TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT!

Good luck to you, sweetie. We are all rooting for you. Also wanted to add that I cheered when you finally entered therapy. =)

imasugarjunkie said...

wow... you know what, good on you for telling him what you really thought and his response shows you just how much better you are off without him!

nicole said...

and the lies continue!! just amazing... even after you called him out on them, he still continued to lie, like he thinks you are still never gonna find out the truth..
a therapist would never say that to someone in a clinical setting, EVEN IF he lied to them about you at all. they would NEVER say you are stupid. NEVER. i agree with jaime, they probably said that you were blind or naive, but they would never say that you were stupid.
i do agree with him on one aspect - that you never see him or his family ever again!
i am SO GLAD that you are not with him anymore.. keep your head up girl! you are so much better off without that garbage in your life, because that's all he is.. GARBAGE!!
you are doing so well, and i am SO PROUD OF YOU. i know you probably aren't going to take his response seriously, because honestly?? who would.. but i just want to remind you PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO A THING HE SAYS. he's giving it one last ditch effort to make you feel horrible about yourself.. don't let him win!

now if only my best friend would do the same with her boyfriend who is very quickly beginning to remind me of s. =/
maybe i will send her over to read your story, and maybe she will get the same courage that you have.

keep up the great work! you're really doing so wonderful! =)

LizSara said...

Oh mate i just read his response to you and actually laughed at my desk. Not only is he clearly still either using or lying or both but as if after reading your missive he can't tell you've moved on with your life.

What a freak! I bet you're stunned by his response and weren't expecting it at all (yeah right)

Dude i love you so much, you totally rule without that fuckup in your life

Dawn said...

I ditto what Stacey said.

You took the high road -- thoughtful and eloquent -- and he took the low road, as he always does.

You're terrific. He... is not.

nuttycow said...

I hoped you laughed when you read his letter and realised how much better you are out of that?

Keep at it.

x

Kerri said...

I admit, I laughed when I read his response because it's just that ridiculous. I know this is mature of me but....what a total loser.

I try to find empathy for individuals like S, because clearly he's a sick individual, but in cases like this one it's hard to do.

You're amazing...I hadn't read for a while but got caught up last week and I've been wanting to tell you how much growth you have made in such a short time. Keep up the fight and the introspect and NEVER look back girl! :-) *kb*

Arwen said...

Just like what your other commenters have said...you are happy now and that is the best thing that can prove that his hold over you is gone. You are a wonderful, awesome, intelligent and honest person! What is he? Nothing really...because I don't believe you really loved HIM, I believe you loved the facade. I'm so glad that you see through that now and that you are doing better and are happy again. His response, as disgusting as it is, shows that you really ARE an amazing person to have lived through his shit and to be better for it. You go girl!

Anonymous said...

Sarah, Please change your email address so he can naver contact you again, You need no space in your life for such an unpleasant person. Stay strong x

Melissa said...

What a fucking moron!

I'm so proud of you, Sarah! You've done so much better for yourself. My brother said the other day: "The best revenge is living well." I think that's pretty good advice.

Sultana said...

What a vile man!

TexInTheCity said...

What the...

Girl, I was going to say something really mean about your ex but I am tryin to be a kinder, gentler Tex so lets just focus on how wonderful YOU are, shall we?

In other words: YOU RULE and your EX drools. (Yes, I just reverted to my old Jr High self.)

Keep you chin and your boobs up,
Tex

Anonymous said...

Hi there Sarah, I read your blog but have never commented before.

First of all, I wanted to say in general that your blog is beautiful and honest, and I love reading it!

Second, I want to agree with everyone else's comments - you wrote a gorgeous, genuine letter to try to openly tell him how you feel, maybe for the first time. Your letter showed that you are moving on - probably part of why he flipped out in his response.

You did the absolute right thing, and I hope you show his response to your therapist and then talk about how much more awesome you are.

Keep being great, and keep writing!

lilburdy said...

I have to say you are an amazing person for moving on after all that. You are making ten steps ahead while he's taking a hundred back

Angela said...

Wow, one Anonymous said the same thing I was going to say: what a piece of shit he was.

 

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